Frustrations..

Most of the time, I try to focus on the present and the future. More on the future than the present, since the present will soon become the past.  It’s hard sometimes, though, because I get so vividly reminded of things I have gone through. There are certain triggers, for lack of a better word, that make memories hit me like a freight train. I’ve been homeless in downtown before, I was for two and a half years. I’m not now, I’m in an apartment that we pay for from our TANF.  I’m listening to Starlight by Muse.  I’ve got so much on my mind I’ve been keeping inside..  I don’t want to deal with the stress of “real life”.  Is it really worth it?  Most of the time I say yes.  Sometimes I just want to curl in a ball, and disappear.  Not die, just.. live someone else, if that makes sense.

I’ve got a lot of dark memories hiding in my cranium.  Memories of my dad..  The sound of a can opening makes me jump.  Just any can, soda or beer.  It makes me flinch.  My father used to drink a lot.  He’s not a bad guy, we’re on good terms now, but he did some pretty strong damage to me as a youth.  I think all parents do to a degree, but his personality and mine clashed.  His anger is why I flinch when someone moves toward me.  He never hit me, but sometimes I thought he might.  He never acted like he wanted to, he’d just scream at me for hours on end, but he scared me, you know?  I tried running away when I was young a few times.  I came back before he noticed I was gone, I logic’d myself back home.

But I think of things like this sometimes, and I remember so much..  I remember that at one point I hated him so much when I was 16 that I had visions of killing him. Of stabbing him in the chest.  I hated him that much, and it hurts me, because I do love him.  The power of the human mind to feel and devour you is unnerving.

It’s so weird to realize that Nyssa is gone.  She was the person I talked to about everything. I never really noticed that until now.  She just knew so much about me, she got it.  I’m really sad that she’s gone. I have always hid from my problems. In high school it was music, myspace, books, guild wars, roleplaying…  When I turned 18 I moved in with my aunt and uncle, and that whole thing… I don’t even know how to tap that keg without it blowing up.  I went a little crazy, and developed multiple personalities. I’m not sure now how much of the personalities were really personalities and how much of them was just unbridled creativity mixed with way too much on my mind to fix.

I’m afraid to write, now.  I recognize that that’s what it is.  I’m afraid, I think, that if I delve into my writing again, if I start to really get into it, I won’t come back out.  I’ll be lost in the miasma.  Just gone..  And no one will be able to bring me back.

I know that most of you have no idea what I’m talking about, and that’s okay, you may eventually figure it out.  If you ask, I’ll answer you honestly, I’m a very open book.  I just try to avoid the pain and sometimes I can’t.  I can’t look at a 4 loko without remembering the rape.  I still feel disgusted with myself for being so stupid. I’m so naive, so hopeful about human nature.

I’m afraid to let go, to lose control. I don’t know if I have anyone I trust as much as I trusted Nyssa to catch me when I fall. I don’t think I have anyone like that anymore.

She had teeth problems too.  I’m scared. I’m really fucking scared that I’ll never be able to chew again.

 

I’ll explain that part.  I have a jaw problem- my lower jaw is larger than my upper jaw, it protrudes. My upper jaw is cramped and smaller, and I don’t have cheekbones that are easily visible, anyway.  My wisdom teeth grew in sideways, and cracked my molars, so I have gotten all of the bottom ones pulled. It’s weird..  and I realized that my teeth don’t connect anymore.  Just like that, I’m 24 years old and I can’t chew.  I’m like my dad.  How much of my father’s kid am I?

I found out that to get partial dentures, which is what I need, it’ll be 1200 a side, so 2400 total.  I still need to get my upper wisdom teeth and stuff pulled. What I really need is this surgery I was told about in 2004 or 5 by a dentist in upstate NY…  At the time they said it’d be about 25,000 dollars.  They need to break my jaw, cut out a sliver of bone on both sides, break my upper jaw and move it forward and expand it, and add cheekbones to add structure. I’ll need to have my jaw wired shut for 6 weeks, as well.

Yeah.  Me, who grew up in a motel.  I was homeless for most of the last 5-6 years. I don’t have that kind of money, and according to our wonderful capitalistic system I allegedly have no value because I have social phobia and can’t just get a job at walmart. I tried that.. and a few other things. Can’t do it.

 

I’m in college. I love it, it’s definitely my thing. I am going for writing.  Though I’m terrified of it, I know I am a strong writer, and I want to do it for the rest of my life.

I got an A on my first paper, and he’s going to use it for future classes 🙂

I’m sorry I’m so scatterbrained, I’m in a lot of pain (the teeth got pulled yesterday) and am feeling kind of depressed.

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~ by araelysia on November 2, 2012.

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