Let it Be

To calm down, I am listening to Let It Be by the Beatles.  Even amidst the darkness of life, there are always joyful moments.  If it weren’t for our brain’s ability to enjoy, to simply bask in good moments, we’d never survive.  Never thrive.  There is beauty in everything in the world, even the pain, although it is hard to see. As frustrated as I am, all I have to do is take a moment to acknowledge how far I have come.  I started out a kid being shuffled between her parents, then I landed in a motel with my dad. I got through that time thanks to a few friends.. I won’t lie, I didn’t have a fun childhood. I don’t have memories of most of it, I blocked it out I guess.

But after that I did the california thing, and ended up in Oregon.  I had so much fun for the first 2 months.. I was an idiot, but I had fun. Then, thanks to serendipity and a friend from Guild Wars I was able to get a couch to sleep on. I got a job, got an apartment with a creepy guy named John I think, and then everything went south.  During that time I was undergoing an intense psychological breakdown, and at one point I physically hallucinated.  Whatever that was, it physically changed my brain, somehow.  Before that for months and months I was swamped by rage, fear, hatred, to such degrees it terrifies me even today. 

But then… it just changed.  I felt hollow, empty for a while.  And then I began to experience joy. I began to hope, and everything crashed again. That was 2010. That whole time I was not steadily housed, mind you. In 2010 I became homeless. I packed all my stuff, bought a ticket to Portland, and started fresh.  I got raped, had some scary moments, then met Jason.  I had someone to journey with.  And it was a crazy one..

We married not quite a year after we met, and got pregnant (I did) a month later.  It wasn’t intentional, in fact it was an accident, but without Aedric we wouldn’t be here as we are.  He is the second step to my fundamental change.  After that mental… thing, I began to be able to experience things like hope and joy for longer than 5 minute stretches. When Aedric began to move, everything changed again.  The world brightened. Everything was wonderful. I felt bliss.  Even when everything fell to pieces, and we got kicked out and had nowhere to go in August. I am so glad that he wasn’t badly affected by that time..

See, we were in Pennsylvania, and where we were had really crappy services. We were only allowed two meals 12 hours apart.  You had to be up and GONE with all your stuff by 6 am. We had no money, no food, nothing.  I posted a desperate status update on Facebook and I got unexpected donations from a variety of people. It changed my life- I was able to eat lunch. It was wonderful. 

We came back to downtown, and slept outside.  There were no shelters for me, and the youth program wouldn’t help me get into the youth shelter. I had to sleep under a bright awning on 11th and glisan in the pearl district. I can even point it out for those who live in the area.  That was scary for a pregnant woman. I’d have to pee at like 2 and 5 AM so I’d have to walk about 10 blocks to a bathroom. Once I got followed by a couple of pimps trying to get me to hook for them. It scared the shit out of me, so I asked a rent-a-cop I saw about it, and what I should do. His response? “Uhh, I don’t know… I guess I would say “I’m not that kind of girl…?””  I was like … thanks. That’s very helpful… then I walked away.  

 

We got a place to stay with a guy with some very serious mental issues, but it was inside. I had to climb over a balcony every day more than once, but it was better than freezing..  Until he started getting really nuts.  At one point he scared us so badly and acted like Jason wasn’t allowed back over a VIDEO GAME (not even anything important just Jason playing how he wanted to) that we had to start looking into shelters.

We lied to him and said we moved to Gresham, and went to this winter warming shelter.  We got on a list almost immediately for a second shelter that was better, since I was then 7 months pregnant, and thanks to a wonderful Angel I bet through occupy, I had help getting home from the hospital and had a hotel room for 5 nights so I could heal up enough to move to the shelter, because I tore so badly I couldn’t go right away.

They helped us get into an apartment and now I’m in college. Life is amazing.  Let it be.

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~ by araelysia on November 2, 2012.

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