So much on my mind, on my plate, in my life.  I don’t know how to handle chaos anymore, I shut down now. I just want to live, to be.  I feel like no one understands me most of the time, and like there’s no point in trying to be understood.  But then I have the urge to write, to share, to tell people.  I often feel like people don’t give a crap about it anyway, but that’s just depression talking, I know some people care about me.

I have math tomorrow. I hate my math class. I love to learn, don’t get me wrong, but she doesn’t teach, and I always get about halfway through the class and feel like I have a needle stabbing me through the eye.  I am dead serious, it is excruciating. I just want to pass this term so I can get to classes I’ll appreciate better.

I love Aedric so much.  I can’t put it into words, but I want to try.  He makes me smile when he isn’t even around. I just have to think of his happy grinning face, and I am so full of love I want to scream with the joy of it. It’s hard to be away from him for school, but I know it’s necessary.

I refuse to let my kid have the life I did growing up, in some ways.  I’ll deal with this now to make it better later.

I’m glad to live in this time period, now.  I’m so thankful that things like epidurals exist, and medicine, and electricity and water. I wonder who I would be if I lived elsewhere.  It’s amazing how much that changes us.  You know?  Who would I be, if I had been born in California?  Or Egypt? Or London?  How can I take steps to be who I want to become?

By writing a little every day.  And I am going to do my best.


~ by araelysia on November 13, 2012.

One Response to “Update”

  1. Uncertainty … is the fertile ground of pure creativity and freedom. Uncertainty means stepping into the unknown in every moment of our existence. The unknown is the field of all possibilities, ever fresh, ever new, always open to the creation of new manifestations. Without uncertainty and the unknown, life is just the stale repetition of outworn memories. You become the victim of the past, and your tormentor today is your self left over from yesterday

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