Random scramblings of the mind..

In case you haven’t figured it out, right now I am using this as my literary release of frustrations. Right now, what’s frustrating me is the fact that People (yes, capital p…) keep making plans with me.  Stuff comes up, I get it.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m a fucking hermit, okay? I LIKE SOLITUDE. I really. really. like. solitude. I hate it when people come over all spread out, I wish it’d take place over one or two days so I can have ONE FUCKING DAY OF DOWNTIME.  Just one goddamn day, that is all I ask. But no…  People have needs.  And my friend is coming over tomorrow. But I am sick of PLANS and PEOPLE and not having any fucking SPACE.

See, I was homeless for several years. Sleeping on people’s couches or shared living spaces, very tight, very cramped, very frustrating. I finally got an apartment with my husband after having to deal with people nonstop for 2 FUCKIN YEARS and what does he do? Let his homeless friend stay with us for the better part of over SIX MONTHS.  What the fuck, right?  Irritating, and for someone with social anxiety issues, that’s very frustrating.  This stress has built up over time and right now I feel like a teapot starting to shriek because the water is boiling in me. M’kay?  I like people… in small doses. Not every fucking day, not all the fucking time, in small god damned doses because that is JUST HOW I AM. I am not broken, you don’t need to fix me or tell me to fucking meditate or WHATEVER, it may be normal for YOU to socially interact every day but me? I am like a battery running on frazzled fumes right now, I am NOT like you, or like other people.  I don’t presume to know what your needs are.  But I am sick of fucking toeing mine under because of OTHER people.

I’m sick of being quiet, and putting up with it and putting up with the damage other people do to me. I’m sick of being too afraid to talk about my own wants and needs and stuff like that and I am SICK OF PEOPLE NOT LISTENING.

Aww, Aedric noticed I was upset and came over to cuddle.  I’m like, seriously jittery right now. I think I am going to go take a shower.. Because I can 🙂


~ by araelysia on November 17, 2012.

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