In sync with the time stream..

You know, I think I’m alright. For once in my life, I’m comfortable where I am. Up until this moment, this stretch of time, me going to college, I have not felt comfortable in my bones in years. I just.. felt like something was off. I haven’t ever had a steady, sturdy, real home. Period. Not that counts, anyway. I have no real memories before 6th grade, and what little I do remember of the time before that was my parents fighting and me going from place to place to place to place. When I moved in with Papa in 6th grade, I was finally in a steady place… that terrified and infuriated me. It drove me to craziness, or cooked what was already there..

When I got to Cali, everything just… unraveled. I did my journeying time, and now..

Now I feel at home. I feel steady, comfortable, okay. For once in the past 7+ years I feel like I am on the right track, on the path, moving forward, not struggling to find the path in the woods, you know?

I’ve been waiting ever since I was 14 to be 27-28. Not because I wanted to be a “grown up”, but because I felt like I was a soul displaced in time. Like I am just going through the motions, building up until my time to shine. Everything is in place and I’m going. What a ride.

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~ by araelysia on December 6, 2012.

6 Responses to “In sync with the time stream..”

  1. May I have details? Why you felt the way you did — I want to know.

    • I’m not trying to be cavalier, which part do you mean? Feeling “out of sync”, or what? ^_^; I am just not sure what the questions are that I should find the answers to.

  2. I thought I was coming across as cavalier. haha

    Why you didn’t feel alright until now. What made you feel like something was off. Why moving in with papa was infuriating and terrifying. What unraveled in Cali. Why everything is in place all of a sudden.

    • Hmm. You know, I haven’t talked about any of this since Nyssa (My best friend) died. It’s nice to have someone ask again..

      In all of my memories, I rarely if ever felt “home”, comfort, peace, stability. Just a lot of depression, anger, or hopelessness. My dad (Papa) was an alcoholic. My parents fought over custody of me until I turned 13 and moved in with my dad. He was very verbally abusive because of his own pain, and alcoholism, and just.. events of that time really messed me up a little. Did a little damage to how I saw the world.

      In California I moved in with my aunt and uncle in California. I always wanted to live up to their expectations, you know, they’re “successful” people. Neither of my parents have a job right now (they’re not together) and… idk. Just something about that stability, I’ve craved it desperately since I was young. When I moved to California, I was able to detach myself from my father and the things I’d dealt with until then, but I was living under new pressures.

      I couldn’t keep up with their expectations for my life, I wasn’t… whole. It’s not that I wasn’t good enough, I just had too much on my mind that needed fixing to be able to focus on the stability. I had to stabilize my mind first, and to do that I had to undo some of the damage if I could. This was all subconscious, of course, things I realized later. I was just surviving the only way I could.

      Everything fell apart once I left their house. They wanted me to go to college in the area, to get my own apartment and you know.. whatever, do what is “normal”, but I couldn’t. I just couldn’t live with their expectations of me. They wanted me to make “real friends” and blocked me from being able to use the internet, and it hurt. A lot. It scared me, because I have social anxiety issues, and it really, really pissed me off. I moved to Oregon and financially everything fell apart. I became homeless and couch-surfed for another year, then struggled with two jobs in upstate NY in my hometown. By that point my mind was more stable, I’d “Fixed things”, so to speak.

      Everything fell apart again, as it tends to in life, and I had a panic attack/breakdown and decided to go to Portland, since I was going to be homeless anyway.

      I met Jason, and two years later after 2 years of being literally homeless, which forced me to socialize, I’m now sitting in an apartment I finally feel comfortable and safe in, on a new computer, with college classes. I’m stable, and I like it.

      This is the first time in my life I’ve had stability, and it’s beautiful.

      • It’s like listening to another version of my life. The events aren’t similar, but the feelings are.

        About your Dad, it’s… unfortunate how we tend to reflect our pain on others, especially those nearest to us and it is amazing how you noticed it in him.

        I didn’t know that was what it was for me until much later in my life and I still hated.

        Thanks for exposing yourself. You give others like you courage by doing so.

      • Yes, I understand. It took me about 2 years away from him to begin to understand. I love and miss him now, but at one point I wanted him dead. The depth of human emotion is amazing.

        You’re welcome, thank you for inviting me to. We are all so afraid of asking the truth of others. I’m willing to share to show people they’re not alone. Thank you.

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