Sometimes at night, I feel like this.  I’m trying to find the words, but it’s difficult.  Magical, nostalgic, wishful, bittersweet. It feels like the loss of winter with the hopes of a sunny day.  It’s a feeling of waiting, trapped in time.  I feel similarly to how I did in September of last year, when I said hello to some people walking by while I was homeless.  You wouldn’t know it, except that I was sitting in the sleeping bag, settling down to sleep.  That’s the only real difference, between me and them.  That I sat there, homeless, and had the “courage” to say hello to a stranger that thought they were better than me.

But here’s the thing…  I’m not.  I’m not worse or better than anyone else. I have skills, dreams, hopes, fears, desires, and unfortunate circumstances. Everyone does.  The details being rearranged does not make it any less important. I’m a person. I deserve peace, comfort, steady structure.  Even if it is living meagerly. As long as I’m happy, and I’m able to, why do people stop me?  I mean, I feel stopped. Held back, kept at bay.  Even if it is just by something like money.

Money.  People act like it’s important. You know what it is? value. That’s it, just value. It’s a dollar amount that you say things are worth. It divides, so much..  Or rather we choose to let it divide. We choose to live in a capitalistic culture, an invisible (or not so invisible) vulture sucking the lifeblood of the planet up, consuming and not giving back.  Where does all the money go?  Why is it not like the systems of nature?  Because it’s not natural.  Not to the extent we put it on, anyway.

You know, as someone who has been homeless before, who has been hungry and dealt with malnutrition.. I really wish things were different. I wish we had more options, options more readily in our face for things so simple like food, shelter, comfort. Why are we so afraid to work together? Why are we so afraid of someone “taking advantage” of stuff?  We focus so much on NEED, and not enough on abundance.  That’s what’s wrong with our society, our focus.  It’s so sad.  Sometimes I hate being witness to it, as odd as it sounds.

It may not be a viewpoint you understand, but it is a viewpoint not resting on instability, so please respect that, if you have an issue with my argument.

I just wish I had the option to go somewhere, and work for a place.  Talk to someone who has too much land but has supplies, talk to some people who have knowledge of how to build a home, and build it.  I’d build my home, and grow a garden, and focus on self sufficiency.  Not just because I want to be economically sound, and ecologically sound, but because I want that stability. That’s all I want. I shouldn’t have to live in fear of not being able to eat if I’m willing to work for it.  (Note the if:then statements of my example please, I was referring to those specific scenarios, not just “Hey, here’s some spot that’s private property, let me build shit on it!!”)

We have resources. I want to learn, and I’d give back if I had enough.  I hate that I don’t, I hate that I have to rely on imaginary money from the government to survive.  But I am glad that I survive. I am glad I have this option.  It just makes me sad that there is so much more this world can be, and we’re letting an imaginary force dissuade us.


~ by araelysia on December 7, 2012.

2 Responses to “Sometimes..”

  1. You hit on a very important point about being afraid of someone “taking advantage” of.

    I think it comes down to trust and human history has proven that you are not supposed to trust anyone. When you let your guard down, someone that decides to hurt you can do a real fine job of hurting you. They can take away many things including dignity.

    It is this fear of being taken advantage of that drives consumerism. Resulting in productivity and a powerful economy. So it can support a powerful military. So a nation can fight for its right to be treated as a human being.

    Despite how civilized we think we are, everything is based on fear and threat of violence. It is not the government, nor the corporations that fuel this fear either. It is actually nature. Survival of the fittest.

    If a person does not have the ability to fight for their right, that person — in the eyes of nature, forfeits all rights to be treated with decency.

    I think things have to happen at a individual level. Where each and every person becomes the change they want to see in the world. When a mass of individuals change, so does the government. Then the policies.

    The final obstacle will always be, “Is everyone on the same page? How can I trust this person to not hurt me?”

    What do you think?

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