Too much stuff…

This is how my panic attacks/breakdowns always start. I hate it. I absolutely, utterly hate it.  It is not good for anything, not for my creativity, nothing. It’s not even good for cleaning, really, because when I clean like this I clean viciously and in a frenzy.  But now I have my mother in the house for the next week and a half, and dear Gods what the hell was I thinking?

I haven’t spent this much time with her since before 6th grade. I’m now 24. And she’s still acting like I am a little kid that is going to listen to her.  She is so socially inept, and has read far too many self-help books, and keeps making little comments all the time. It’s exhausting to put up with.

Yesterday she told us she threw out our can openers.. But she didn’t tell us til after Jason had tried to start the pasta sauce. Thankfully we salvaged dinner.

I don’t know how it started, my panic attacks, and I don’t really think that “mental illness”, whatever that even means, has one trigger event.  Sometimes it does, but I think.. no, I know that in my case it was just the sheer amount of shit I have dealt with.  The only person who knew about all of it was Nyssa. My mother lives in her own little world, and I don’t have a support network anymore, or at least I often feel like I don’t.  I don’t get support from Jason, either, he just takes everything personally. I have a panic attack and need to be alone?  It’s something personal against him because I’m not spending time with him.

I hate having to feel like I have to look over my shoulder about stuff I write, especially things that I need to get off my chest, but I do.  My mother is very nosy, she reads anything she finds and I’m sure if I kept my Facebook open she’d check to see what I was talking to people about in the chat windows. 

I just wish people would ever listen to me in person. Really listen.  Nyssa was good at listening, even though it was online. She was fantastic. Jason just makes me feel guilty for being myself, while he is the victim all the time. It is exhausting to deal with, to always have to placate everyone around me.

I’m younger than he is by almost a year, but I’m more of an adult, and it’s exhausting to deal with. I’m just so tired and stressed out, and he can’t ever just shut up and deal with an issue himself, he has to vent to me, and make me feel like shit too. Some people just can’t deal with minor misery.  I silently take it all on, and spew it out across the internet in hopes that it will alleviate the burden I feel within.

I’m not sure what parts of what I did to my mind helped and what parts made things worse, but I know that I can’t stand mess anymore. There’s just something about piles of STUFF that gets to me now, I can’t handle it anymore. I just can’t.  I get itchy. Right now I feel like my head is crawling with insects or something (though it’s not, I clean regularly.)

After the itchy phase starts, something HAS TO CHANGE or I will have a worse panic attack, and so on and so forth. Right now I am venting to get it all out of my system and trying to ignore Jason stomping back and forth and the mess in front of my keyboard. I don’t understand why Jason stopped being supportive. He just did one day, and now I am so tired of fighting him and my mother simultaneously..

I smoke cannabis to help with my headaches and anxiety, and it hasn’t been helping much lately. Too much stress.  My mother is getting on my nerves, and Jason keeps bitching about her to me every fucking day like that’s going to fix anything.

I just sit, and listen, and try to keep it together like I always have, but at what point do I have to stop and say ENOUGH?  I’ve tried.  And you know what’s pathetic? Absolutely fucking pathetic? I TELL HIM I am having a panic attack and all he does is get upset at me for not spending time with him right now, or keeps bitching about the internet being down. Yeah, great, that sucks NOW SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE SO I CAN RELAX.

Quit fucking adding more goddamn stress to the pile in front of me, you idiot.

Some support network.  One’s dead, most are far away. I live out in fucking Rockwood (which is a bad area outside of Portland) and I can’t escape. All I have ever wanted in my life was peace and stability. I see that in Aedric, but nowhere else. I have clawed my way up from NOTHING. Literally NOTHING to get here, and all I have to show for it is an unsupportive husband who half the time acts like he gives a shit.

My life isn’t all bad, but it’s very stressful. My mom leaves on a Saturday.  The following Monday, our new term begins and I’ll have to put up with Jason bitching about even MORE things all the fucking time, like it’s the end of the world every day.  I don’t understand it, I really don’t. Even I never complained that much. Or if I did it was before the weird purple event thing.  Maybe he needs to go crazy and come out of it like I did, I don’t know, but I’m so sick of hearing him bitching about everything that I want to scream.

I’m not looking forward to this. Not because I can’t handle it… I can.  Jason is the one who tips the scale. He is the one who triggers me the most because he just keeps leaning the pressure on me. I just want PEACE for a few moments, you know? I want him to NOT add stress to my plate. But he doesn’t hear me. No one hears me. Not anymore.

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~ by araelysia on December 25, 2012.

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