A life in review..

Okay, technically it’s more what I consider my second life in review.  My first life lasted up until about 7:17 am or so 4/14/08.  That was the day my brain changed. I was living in Wilsonville, Or at the time.  Long story short, my brain did something weird, and the problems I had developed up to that point (one of which being up to 8 personalities, which was very interesting for my writing at the time..) all disappeared. I don’t have the personalities anymore. I’m not sure what they were, or anything like that, but I know that they are gone now.  I think it might have just been my creative mind getting rid of problems that I had from my childhood, so that I could survive on my own.  I was almost 20 at the time, I think.  Yeah.

Okay, so that is what I consider to be my second Birth day.  I was literally reborn a different person.  Whatever the brain thing was, it made me like a zombie for about 2 weeks and then I snapped out of it, and ever since my anger problems from before are greatly diminished.  I am only telling you this to explain what comes next, to give you an idea of what’s happened.

I moved in with Ellie in Ohio, I don’t even remember her full name anymore, I just remember what she looked like.  She was someone I had called the cops on for trying to kill herself the previous fall, and I thought she was better. Boy was I wrong. About a week after I got there, she tells me that if I get a job then I’ll come home to find her blood all over the bathroom and her dead body on the floor because she’ll be so depressed at being alone that she will kill herself.  Yes, seriously.

Anyway, so, Ohio sucked. A lot.  I just sort of rode the crazy waves.  Only one person in the apartment had a job, and I wasn’t really supposed to be living there. Neither were her cats.  Then we got kittens. Those kittens were adorable… I had two, Rhapsody Rockstar and Aventurine Monster.  Rhapsody was really dainty, and sweet, they were both black.  She was very calm, Monster was HUGE for a kitten, almost half again the size of his brother and sister and very strong. I miss them even now.

Anyway, at that apartment I watched a cat die, watched cats run around with severe diarrhea because Ellie and her boyfriend would put their ramen noodles on the floor when they were done and the kittens would eat them, and not be able to digest it and run around and shit on all the clothes.

I have panic attacks with mess now because of that, and because of the time that Ellie put all the clothes that had animal shit on them in the shower, and just..  Okay, I’m sorry to do this to you reader, but I need to get this off my chest.

The bathroom was a tiny little thing, and there was stuff cluttered EVERYWHERE.  On the floor behind the toilet, next to the toilet, all throughout the kitchen, the dishes and stink of the kitchen counters was so bad I know there were maggots at one point, it was fucking. disgusting.  And that was just one small area of the apartment. I had to wade through trash as high as my hips.  The cat litter box was not cleaned regularly enough, and we were often so poor we were excited to be able to buy 35 cent macaroni and cheese at sav-a-lot or whatever.

My dad saved our ass more than once.  They were about to be evicted because they couldn’t afford rent, and made me ask my dad for help, so I did, and he helped.  Twice, and then he just started sending me money secretly for food for myself.

I had to live almost like an animal. I had to hide my food from them or they would steal it and eat it all, I went to the library as often as I could to get away from them. They fought viciously, all the time. I will NEVER live like that again. I simply refuse to do it.  It was trashy, disgusting, and terrifying.  He tried to climb out a second story window once to get away from her, but she dragged him back inside.  I was trying to get to the door, and he pushed her into me and she hit my spine into the stove by accident. I won’t lie and say it wasn’t their fault, because it was, but I don’t totally blame him for being that determined to get away from her.  She would have giant hissy fits and sob fests whenever he threatened to leave and sometimes I’d just watch him leave the house and hope he didn’t come back, so I had a way to get away too.  I hated Ohio. I still do. It was beautiful, forestwise, but oh man…  It was bad.

I literally fled at dawn.  I waited for them to fall asleep, and I almost didn’t manage to stay awake long enough.  I as quietly as possible dragged all my stuff down the giant rickety staircase and fled like a bat out of hell.  I wanted gone. I kept looking behind me, looking for that goddamn car. A cop saw me, walking down the sidewalk with all my worldly possessions, looking furtively over my shoulder. I will never live in fear like that again. I will not fucking do it.  I got on a greyhound to Texas, and though that situation was not much better, it was at least away from her.

I felt so bad for leaving those cats behind.  I spent 10$ on 4 bags of cat food so they wouldn’t go hungry before I left. I didn’t get Ellie and her boyfriend anything though, they didn’t deserve it, in my opinion.  Such an abusive person… ugh.

Anyway, then I moved to Texas. Note, I thought that it had been decided by both parties that I could move in, but it wasn’t.  Nyssa told me it was okay, and I didn’t know that she hadn’t told Dave until I left. Dave was an obese guy who had moved to Houston from Clarion or somewhere in Pennsylvania.  They were both kind of assholes, for different reasons.  Nyssa had some major problems, but I love her, even though she’s now dead (not because of this..)  Long story short, the two of them got along about as well as two tom cats fighting over territory. Only one could survive, and that was Dave.  He kicked her out and she became homeless, and she was treated like crap and it made her mental illness worse. I saw her before she became homeless and after, and it fundamentally changed her.

Anyway, long story short I tried to get a job, but I couldn’t because of the area and frankly, I don’t know how to get a job in a city. I grew up in a town with about 12,000 people. I don’t know how to do it. He was nice enough to get me a bus ticket home, but he didn’t offer to give me food for the trip. I ate potato chips and energy drinks, because I was an idiot at the time.  When I get stressed, my logic goes out the window in terms of food consumption. At any rate, I moved in with my Dad, and got a job about 4 months later when places started hiring.  My dad moved without me having a chance to have saved up enough money to get an apartment, and I was stuck living in the same room I grew up in.  My dad’s an alcoholic, and that room had bad memories.  Well, it got worse.

I won’t go into detail but I’ll just say that I was an idiot, people suck, and Nyssa fell in love with a guy that I thought liked me.  He was living there with us.  Finally I had to put my foot down and tell them both to get jobs because I couldn’t support 3 people.  They used to go to walmart and steal food together, he taught her some “tricks” like that if you steal from Walmart, keep it under 25$.  Stuff like that.  They got a job working at walmart temporarily, a new one in a different area, and it was okay for a couple of months, but then the job ended and they left.  She and I didn’t speak for over a year.  I expected to move to California with another friend, but long story short that didn’t pan out.  That friend is still living with her mom, stuck in a tiny town in Illinois.  When I get my book published, I’ll be giving her some money for doing illustrations for it.  Any bit helps, right?

I’m getting off topic, sorry.  A lot of things coming out of the woodwork.  I was on a greyhound for four days to get back to Portland when I knew I was going to be homeless.  That first night, a drug addict showed me a place to sleep, and I woke up to him injecting himself with something, with pill bottles strewn all around himself.  Welcome to Portland.  That scared the shit out of me.

I guess I was kind of emotionally fragile by that point, because when someone offered to drink with me and hang out, I didn’t see a problem with it, I needed a friend. I got raped.  I blacked out because I had never heard of a four loko, and it hit me like a two by four to the temple. I have talked about my rape before, so I won’t go into it again.

Anyway, then I was homeless, for two years. I met Jason that next day, and dealt with him and his crazy ex girlfriend, Kayla.  Kayla hated me, she was sure I was stealing Jason from her. In fact, he was just my friend. I don’t tend to have sexual urges whatsoever, but I liked him, he was a nice guy, and charming.  He was my best friend.  He and I would go for walks all throughout downtown, and he’d chat my ear off. He told me that me being there for him helped keep him with her longer, that he would have broken up with her before that.  But then he also said that it was difficult to do, so he was glad I was there.  He asked me out a couple of days later, and I was surprised.  This gorgeous guy wanted to date ME?  What the hell?  Sure, why not.  We got married in February (yeah, pretty soon… heh) and I got pregnant the next month even with a condom. That was the second time we’d had sex since getting married, because homelessness does not exactly help with stuff like that, lol.

Anywho, I didn’t find out I was pregnant until we had gone to Pennsylvania.  See, we had been told that we were getting kicked out of services, and that’s practically a death sentence out here..  Not quite, but it makes life THAT much harder.  Want to know why? Because there was too much of an influx of homeless youth.  We had been homeless for almost a year, and we didn’t have jobs or anything (we had tried, it didn’t work out.. I am never supporting Kroger again in my life.) Anyway, I thought we had something good, a good new start in Pennsylvania. Instead we moved in with someone who didn’t understand Jason, and when I found out I was pregnant two days after my birthday, the entire attitude of the house changed.  They treated me differently.  Like I was worth less because I had gotten pregnant while being homeless. I still tried to find jobs, all the time while I was there. It didn’t work.  We had gotten a plane ticket to go back to Oregon, and we only had 3 weeks left, but the person we were staying with lost 20$ from her purse, and came home in a frenzy.  She wanted us gone, that day, period.  We almost didn’t manage to get into that place.  Anyway, I slept on a chemical-soaked mat under a giant jesus cross on a stage in a room that was kind of like a gymnasium. Males and Females were not allowed to sit next to each other at lunch unless they were legally married. You only got food twice a day, at 8 am and 5 pm. I was scared that I was going to starve, that Aedric was going to be born with something wrong because of it. I had to lug that stupid suitcase everywhere, even though I was 5 months pregnant, because you couldn’t leave your stuff anywhere.

Finally we made it back, and we were homeless. We got a week at Jason’s parents, then we went into downtown to get back into services.. Except they told me that I should go to family services because of Aedric and Jason.  That they couldn’t help us. They didn’t refer us anywhere, just told us to go to TPI, which is basically an all included services building.  The lists were 200 people long, or more.  Jason found us someone we could stay with, though he was crazy (we found out while staying..)

He was nice, though. He let us sleep on the futon and he took the floor, because by this point I was 6, 7, 8 months pregnant. I went in to work every day.  We had to keep the food stocked, which was difficult.  He had very high expectations- he didn’t eat much food but he had a MAJOR caffeine addiction and he’d get moody and bitchier than normal if he didn’t get his caffeine.  We dealt with it for a while but he and Jason started to clash, because Jason’s got some attitude problems he needs to deal with, and Mike didn’t like it.  He told me that I needed to straighten Jason out or he couldn’t come back.  We tried to call Jason’s parents, and they said we couldn’t stay with them, and that we should find a shelter or something. We went BACK to the youth services and I faced down the head of the department and explained what was going on, and explained the fact that when we were sleeping outside once, I had had to go pee at 2:30 in the morning (YAY PREGNANCY) and got stalked by a pimp that wanted me to “have some fun” and “make some money”.

FINALLY she gave us a place to go, so we went, and we were lucky.  We stayed at that night shelter until I had Aedric.  I saw so much anger and fear and violence in that shelter..  There was a family of 5 near us, the father was an alcoholic, and I don’t like alcoholics. I don’t like people who disrespect me. I asked a question about something because there had been a noise all night and I was just wondering what it was and he said “What do you think this is, the fucking hilton?”

I got pissed. Hello, someone who’s about to pop? Yeah, not in the mood for rooster bullshit.  I said “No, I don’t think this is the fucking Hilton, and I never said that I do. I just wanted to know what the noise was, that’s all.”  And he started storming toward me like he was about to punch me. I firmly believe that had it not been for his 13 year old son, Mikey, stepping in front of him and pushing him (literally) he would have.

He kept staring at me and doing that weird “I see you” thing with his hand, and Mikey told him to shut up and go to bed.  I hated that room.  Another family in there would drag their kids around and yell at them every morning. At least they’re all in homes now.

I went into labor when trying to sleep at 10:45 or so.  Jason called the medical ride people, and our friend Logan came with us for support. He was so sweet, he stayed the entire time we were in the hospital, and the 4 days we were in the motel room thanks to Kate Lore.  Kate is a beautiful person who works as a minister for the Universal Unitarian church in downtown. I think she’s a reverand. Anyway, she got us the room up until we could get into the better shelter.  That place sucked too, though. I hate thinking about it.

I hate thinking about homelessness, because when I think of it and all the asshole people I had to deal with, I start to think of what might have happened to make them assholes.

I hadn’t even gotten to the shelter yet when I got written up.  This chick whose name I forgot went into the bathroom and came storming back out and raging about someone “Bleeding on the toilet seat”.  She came into the room where I was being quiet (mind you I had lost so much blood that I felt the transfusion going back into me, my hand and arm were tingling when the blood was flowing back into me. I felt like a sponge.)

She stood right in front of me and started screaming at me and bitching at me about how it’s disgusting, I am a disgusting person for doing something like that and I need to clean up my mess, etc.  She just. kept. screaming at me.  I have anxiety problems. I do NOT like people, I do NOT like confrontation, and I didn’t like it then, either. So finally I was like “FINE, I will go, just leave me alone!”  and she stormed off bitching under her breath, making all the other women hate me before I even got in there. Mind you, I didn’t bleed on the toilet seat.  I was walking out of the room and muttered “Fucking bitch” under my breath and she took offense to that somehow. How? I don’t know. If you don’t want me to call you a fucking bitch DON’T BE ONE.

God, that still pisses me off. She went in to bitch to one of the workers and I came back out of the bathroom and shouted WHERE’S THE BLOOD? HUH?  I didn’t see any BLOOD…”  and just.. yeah. That was bad.  she hated me from the start. Thats just how people are though.  People suck.

We found out Jason still had a record, so he had to go in to get it taken care of.. I thought he’d be back that day. He was in jail for 15 days :/ I had to do everything without him.  Other people helped, but it sucked.  Anyway, we managed to get into this apartment, and now we are in college for our second semester. Aedric is walking and happy, I’m mostly happy, but I just… I still have a lot of shit that bothers me. so much.  I hope I get over it soon. I hate it.


~ by araelysia on December 31, 2012.

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