365 day 2

I was never quite as good as Nyssa at playing the God mind, becoming so ensnared in myself as she did, but I did a fair amount myself. In fact, I highly suggest everyone go crazy a little while, so they know they can break and mend themselves.

A strength comes with that realization, another set of skills and knowledge that you can take with you as tools for future endeavors. As I sit here at 1:22 am on the internet, I think of Who I Was Before, and Who I Am Now.

I’ve been so many people, so many faces. Every character I ever wrote, I could become. I could shed my own skin and memories and become that person, and cease to exist myself while I told their tale.  I did this because I believed I was them.

All writers are a little mad, I think, because we put the energy out there for everyone to read, and have to completely rely upon the reader to attempt to understand our minds.  Nyssa was always an artist, I was always too afraid to try.  That’s my flaw.  That was hers too, and she died.  I still feel kind of… hollow about it, but it’s getting deeper. It hurts a bit more to recognize that she is not coming back.  That I, and I alone know what she and I went through, what our friendship meant.

Only I know how much she changed my life.

See, she always had words for things, like “synesthesia”.  She was very good at self-diagnosis. I have come to realize and accept that concepts overlap in my mind and connect in ways that don’t make sense beyond me, so I am going to attempt to share it here.  I am going to attempt, and fail badly, at sharing her.  She fought off suicide from 1997-2012, finally succumbing in September.

She was so beautiful, and sad.

Nyssa stood 6′ tall and was very thin. But the looks don’t matter. Our exterior is merely a shell we become accustomed to and decorate as best we can to display how we feel within. If we care, that is.

Nyssa, to me, is Synesthesia. Rainbows and contrasts, frogs and salamanders and toads.  Snakes, spiders and scorpions, and ahh the colors…  She is all the colors in the world and then some. She had so much black in her aura, I never thought it was necessarily a bad thing, just a part of herself. She was broken and acknowledged it, and tried to build her life accordingly. She had a mental system that I think came back to her synesthesia and other things, she wound up and created her entire mental structure from scratch. I know because I did the same, and I based it off of her.

I’m not sure how much I ever helped her, if any.  She was always the narcissist, I’m much more aware of my failures.  I have always been too afraid to try. Nyssa stepped beyond that fear. I know though that her questioning, her constant search for knowledged helped me flourish.

Because of her and Kendra I looked into things that vaguely interested me like numerology and astrology and researched them more, and began to create my own mental religion, my own entire symbolic structure, based off of what I sense and feel.

She had multiple personalities, and so did I.  I was beginning to fracture before I ever met her, and she saved me, honestly. She kept asking me questions, determined to understand what had happened with me so she could learn from it and adapt it to herself. She always wanted to be better, to become stronger and stronger and do what she wanted to. She always wanted to learn, everything.

I’m afraid to learn, I’m afraid of many things. I’m afraid to try. I don’t know why, and I know she would ask. She would ask why I am so afraid to fail.

I think she would understand, though.

I also know that unlike me, she put her artwork out there. When she was proud of herself, she put it up on deviantart to show the world her soul.  I try with my blogging, and I think I am getting somewhere. I miss her a lot, every day.

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~ by araelysia on January 2, 2013.

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