Day 12…

I really want to cry right now. I am just so unbelievably upset, and frustrated..  I don’t really know where to begin. Jason and I have been fighting for a while, and it’s gotten pretty bad lately. I’m tired of trying to get through to him. I’m tired of being married to someone who acts like a child. I’m just tired and depressed and upset about the whole thing in general.

The last 11 days were like, magical. Everything went perfectly. Then today was just…. ugh.  Aedric didn’t sleep well last night. He got up at least six times, and got up for good at 9.  I got grouchy at about noon and he and I took a nap together, then I watched Aedric while Jason took a nap.  Then Jason and I got into a fight… I think it was over me trying to find a notebook.

He hates it if I clean. Or if I go through the closets.. Even though he does NOTHING to help clean up the mess in the house. Mind you, he’s the one that dumps stuff in the closets. I have a few boxes of clothes I still need to go through and every time I mention it he has a little bitch fit about it.  So far his excuses have been that he can’t stand clutter (But to “clean up” when I tell him to, or to clean the floor, you know what he does? He shoves stuff under the couches.)

I found a KITCHEN KNIFE under one of the couches today, as well as about 7 shoes, some dishes (one broken, thankfully just plastic), about a dollar worth of soda bottles and the notebook that went missing. Still can’t find my other shoe.

Then Aedric made a huge mess during dinner. usually he doesn’t, but today he did. I don’t know why it irritated me so much but it did. Right now he is trying to climb into the monitor. Where is Jason? Going to pick up his friend and get soy sauce. He’s making chicken teriyaki tonight. I’m happy with that, but irritated that its already fucking seven and he’s been gone more than an hour and a half. I cleaned under all 3 couches, and am currently wrestling Aedric to type. He’s trying to climb into the monitor still…  lol. He finds my desk fascinating.

I put him down, but he’s a bit whiny. Gah. I just want some time to myself. Jason goes for walks all the time. He tried to say that I “dump Aedric on him to go write”, but that’s not really true. I leave the door open and he comes and goes as he wants to, and occasionally I will ask (and have to say it 3-4 times, 50% of the time) him to come get Aedric so I can do something.

But no, what really finally reset my mood, kind of, was when I put Aedric in his bath, then looked in the mirror.  I have like, bags under my eyes now. I probably have for a while. What really, really got me was when I closed my teeth as best I could, to see how far my mouth would go down. I started bawling like a baby when I saw it. I turned around, and sat down in front of the sink and made the knees of my pants wet with tears. I feel so annoying.

 

I got picked on a lot in school for my jaw. I was called everything from caveman and worse.  My lower jaw is larger than my upper jaw- I never developed cheekbones, mine are concave or very thin. My top teeth are crowded, and there’s not enough space for them. When I close my jaw as best I can now, my upper teeth are hidden behind my lower teeth. I have also got ears that stick out, and the front of my nose looks big.

In short, I barely look human.

Maybe I should take that as a good thing. After all, I am a mama Dragon, right?

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~ by araelysia on January 13, 2013.

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