Panic Attacks

Okay, I’ve got a lot of energy today, but it’s all sort of… trapped inside. So I’m going to try to let some of it out so I don’t have more blowups.

I’m going to explain what my panic attacks are like, because I’m sick and tired of people not reacting well when I have them. The absolute #1 thing you should NEVER DO when someone is having a panic attack is to get upset and lash out at them. It will make it worse. Period.

I’ll use myself as an example.

There are some things that just get to me. I hate listening to youtube videos that have more than one person talking at once, because them talking over each other irritates me. I’m not sure why, it’s just… really rude to me? Like, to the point where I get irritated and it starts to hurt my hears and my heart starts beating faster and I get irritated and leave the room.

People having panic attacks are not necessarily mad at YOU, or mad in general. It’s just, for me, an overwhelming surge of energy that I have to get out, and certain things happened that triggered it. It’s like a manic moment.  Dishes in the sink trigger it, as stupid as that may sound.

What happened a few minutes ago was the product of stress throughout the day, that’s how it happens with me. First Aedric was running around being his normal adorable self, which I didn’t mind, but sometimes I just need time to myself, you know? Jason left me alone with him and nothing happened, I just got two blogs posted and was talking to people. Today’s a high energy day.

Then, when Jason got home he started making food. It was really sweet of him. But he put the collander in the sink along with a pile of dishes that I had asked him to put in the dishwasher beforehand, last night in fact. He got mad at me for mentioning it, even though I was NOT attacking him, I was just stressed out because I was hungry.

When I’m hungry, I get shaky and my emotions get more volatile. It’s frustrating for me, and it’s not intentional toward other people, but Jason takes everything personally. It’s kind of exhausting. I love him, and most of the time when I’m frustrated it’s with something he did or didn’t do, not necessarily with HIM, you understand? It’s with the event itself.

Anyway, I had a manic moment, no big deal, I was just putting some dishes away and Jason saw and got upset. I think he projects that I’m always upset with him when I’m more frustrated with the state of the apartment (dishes in the sink make me @_@ because I have lived in situations where I had no control over the mess and the mess was frankly traumatizing.)

Anyway, a mini fight broke out and I went into my room with the food to get away from him for a few minutes, because I needed to settle down. I still do, I’m eating and it’s helping. I love him a lot, I just wish people would understand.

Panic attacks are not fun. At all.  I get shaky and jittery and not quite crazed, but I know I need to get away from the situation before it gets worse. Whatever you do, do NOT follow them and get in their face, even if all you want is a kiss. Panic attacks last I knew are like the fight or flight response being triggered. It taps into the feral part of the brain.

I’m not having a panic attack or social anxiety because I want to or because I want an excuse to be away from people, it just HAPPENS. The best thing you can do is to understand that though the person may appear angry or frustrated or freaking out, they’re not trying to instigate a fight, they’re trying to work through something that happened in their brain that they can’t help.

Understand that, and ask GENTLY if there is anything you can do.  I don’t know about other people, but I know I am very, very sensitive to tone of voice, I always have been. It is largely due to the fact that my dad would flip out at me for sometimes hours at a time, and if I said anything, he’d tell me it was my tone of voice that pissed him off. Angrily.

I was always scared of my dad.  He would basically force me to sit on the couch near his chair, and bitch at me, often standing up and pacing around, for sometimes up to three hours over things that I didn’t see as worthy of it. If I stared into space, he’d get in my face. If I cried, he’d say I was blatting and send me to my room, only to start again. If I said anything back, it made it worse. If I apologized, same thing.

I eventually learned there is no pleasing people. There just isn’t. Some people just want to scream.

I just want to be left alone. Why can’t people just let it be?


~ by araelysia on January 13, 2013.

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