Day 15

Thinking of Nyssa again. I had a really long, sad day. Sometimes enlightening, but certainly long and sad. Nyssa’s birthday is in two days. I’m here, Kendra is here, but there is a hole missing in my life. For the first 16 years, I had no one. Then I met Nyssa, and about two years thereafter I met Kendra, and now Nyssa is gone. I had such a vast lack in my life.  Now I’m getting that lack again but I don’t know how to make friends in this world, people have too high expectations for me.

It’s not that I am lesser than anyone else, I am an introvert. That means that I am very, very tired and worked up by physical interaction whatsoever, and I need time to myself.  Someone I really care about called me a “hikikomori” because I am an introvert.  I just feel kind of hurt and judged by that, like I’m not good enough because I am not a social butterfly.

I have a lot of value if people give me a chance but I can’t be physically around people, people are too loud. I spent too much time homeless without solitude, I’m broken, a little. It hurts, so much. I actually cried in my Writing 122 class because I felt so distanced and judged and alone, because I just don’t know how to communicate, to articulate what I need. I’m afraid of upsetting people.

I feel broken, and no one can help me. The therapist doesn’t care, and anyone who does care is far away. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m tired and hurt and sleepy, you know?

I’m not suicidal, thankfully. I feel for those who are. I’ve never had that pain, I’ve just had the sharp, bitter tang of knowing you don’t fit in, and never will.

I live in a world where it’s normal to judge and criticize instead of accept and move along. We are too many, in groups too large. We are losing our compassion, and understanding. Those who speak less learn more.

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~ by araelysia on January 16, 2013.

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