18 days

18 days into this year already. It’s amazing how time flies. For once, today I’m not going to spend all day on the computer (and not spend it blogging -_-; I’m so bad at doing that, I waste time on Facebook.. ugh)

Anyway, I had gym earlier. I thought of Nyssa because, well, when she and I lived together in New York, there was a lot of woods behind where we lived. Acres and acres of trees, and she explored it to take photographs. I did the same, we kind of connected though we never did so together. Her death is starting to finally hit me. It’s my second term in college now, and she’s not here. She’ll never be here again. Not at least in the way I’m used to.

That’s okay. It hurts like hell, but I think I’m becoming okay with it. Not with her being gone, but with living my life without her, or rather…  hmm, this is hard to word accurately.

I don’t feel guilty for being alive, I am seeing it as a gift. I have hundreds of thousands of moments left to live, right? every one matters. The little things that get you through day to day, the little things you live through that make you stronger or feel weaker.. they all matter.

I don’t want to waste my life. I don’t want to waste my son’s childhood. I don’t want to waste my time on things that don’t matter, I want to live, and to share. I want to step back from the entire clusterfuck that is western living- you know, go out, consume, depend.  No thank you.

I’d much rather grow my own food, write books, share my knowledge, share my thoughts with the world. I need to strengthen and focus my mind, I need to re-establish my mental structure so that going into college I will succeed.

I need to advocate for myself. And it’s fucking scary.

I was told yesterday that I am a good soul. It made me so happy to read that, because.. I don’t really think of myself as a bad person, but I really, really try to be good. I try to help others. I care. My expectations are high, but so are the rewards I dole out, if that makes sense. I want to do amazing things, to change the world. I want people to know they can try. That they should.

Life is too short for anything else.

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~ by araelysia on January 18, 2013.

3 Responses to “18 days”

  1. Death can freeze or enervate a life. I am in between. A friend died in November, my two dogs died at ages 18 and 16 four months apart. Life can be dark or it can be light. I prefer the light, and I mean sunlight as well as positive outlooks. Sorry for your loss. You express yourself well. What type of book are you writing?

    • Oh, that’s painful. I feel both strengthened and frozen, I’m hoping it’s okay, or that it will be and I can grow it and use it in my writing well. I prefer the light as well.

      I am working on a dystopian fiction that I may need to redo, and a fun little fantasy story, but I got a little stuck and then got sucked into the vortex of school and mommyhood… 🙂

      • School is a vortex. A colleague said that school is like jumping into a pool in September and never getting out until June. You will have more time in the summer. Take advantage of three-day-weekends.

        Motherhood isn’t a vortex. Just another path. Enjoy, learn, and it will add more to your writing.

        Good Luck.

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