27- Vision

I am a visionary with terrible(physical) vision.  Last year at about this time, a kid at the homeless day shelter I was staying at during my recovery period from labor broke my glasses, and threw them in a trash can.

I have no idea who this child was, honestly.. I was taking a nap and my glasses were beside my head as always when I went to sleep. When I woke up, all hell broke loose.  See, my vision is so bad that I can’t even see someone’s face right in front of me. When I held Aedric in my arms without my glasses on, I started to cry because I know that my eyes have ticking clocks in them, they’ve gotten worse and worse as the years go on. It’s part of the reason I want to get away from the computer a bit.

I’m afraid.  I am desperately afraid that one day I am going to wake up, and I will just not be able to see, ever again.  For someone who deeply appreciates the beauty of the world, that hurts. It hurts a lot. The glasses I am wearing now are thanks to a free clinic in downtown Portland last year. I need a new pair already, because my vision is so bad. In fact, I’m not even sure that new glasses will help; the last time I went in, they told me that they couldn’t fix my left eye anymore.  The vision is too bad, it’s too close to blindness, so they can’t make everything clear anymore. That eye will probably be the first to go, it’s not very strong. I don’t know what to do about it, if I even can do anything.

But world, I am terrified.  This year I want to get the surgery for my jaw (I forget the name of it, but something “Mandibular”….  My lower jaw is bigger, and my upper jaw is far too small. My face has been kindly described as a “crescent moon”.  Other not-too-kind remarks have ranged from “I look like I got hit in the face with a (garbage truck, shovel, (One person offered to “fix it” by smacking me in the face with a shovel. I was maybe ten.) etc)” to kids in school calling me “caveman”..

Yeah, I really love people.  Sorry if this comes across as complaining, but I can’t comment about my eyes and then not mention my teeth, it’s all in my face, you know?

Anyway, I woke up this morning and couldn’t find my glasses right away. Aedric stood nearby and was very calm and collected as he always is, and he sat in my lap while I typed the first part of this. Right now he’s making a mess.

I love my eyes. I like the way they look, I think they’re pretty. But I really miss what I never had- decent vision.  I have had glasses for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure about laser surgery, because a doctor when I was younger told me that my vision “Will continue deteriorating until I am 25 years old.”  I’m turning 25 this year, but I’m not sure it’s done deteriorating yet.  If your vision is deteriorating and they do the laser surgery, it can get WORSE, not better.

Sorry today’s such a downer day, I just woke up kind of scared and wanted to share something deeply personal.  I don’t like depending on anyone, so when I lose my glasses… ahh!

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~ by araelysia on January 27, 2013.

2 Responses to “27- Vision”

  1. I also have bad vision and live in Longview, WA. I’m thinking your Portland might be Oregon or Maine. Have you ever asked about getting the lenses of your eyes replaced like they do with people with cataracts. If they could do that, your vision would become normal. Not sure if they do that if you don’t have cataracts or if your vision problems are from something else. Keep asking questions. There might be answers out there.

    • I’ll definitely look into that, thank you for mentioning it! I hadn’t thought of that before. I will definitely have to check that out!

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