I used to think the world was only one way, or two ways, theirs and mine. Then I became aware of the concepts that at the same time as I, there were thousands, hundreds of thousands, millions, billions of people living all of their lives at various stages of consciousness at the same fucking time and I was so infinitely small. I broke then, and began to live inside my own head. How could I possibly contact that many people when I had only ever had deep contact, I thought, with a few people in my life. Most of those people only lasted for days, weeks, months at a time, only one friend I still speak to from when I was like, 14.  Maybe two, but I never really was very close with Anna before 9th or 10th grade. She intimidated me. Most people did.

I’m intimidated easily, because I perceive myself as weak. Nyssa didn’t help with that very much, because she shone so brightly, but she couldn’t connect, she was afraid to, she always admitted that she kept herself at a distance from me. I felt she understood me but we were never on perfect terms for long.

I became aware of the world through many, many eyes when I was “crazy” because I was so purely creative, I wouldn’t block myself from believing I was them wearing this skin for a few moments. I would step out of myself in space and time and allow myself to type someone else’s story, even as they lived it in some instances. Wow, Aedric just found all the tarot cards and pulled them all out onto his level, so that he could play wtih them (and push them to me for me to interpret as messages)

He’s done that several times now, and so far it’s all been accurate. My child is extremely intelligent.  I love my son, but I feel this overwhelming urge to write. I feel like I don’t get enough respect. Not by Aedric, by Jason. We got over some stuff yesterday, and he wanted to sleep in today. Yeah, I get it, people like to sleep, but he does this all the time. He was up until 2 am watching The West Wing at LEAST if not probably later, and our guest left at 5 am. So, I kind of understand it but all I have wanted to do the last like, two weeks is be left the fuck alone and been able to write, but I don’t know that I CAN here anymore. There’s too much negativity and too much expectation on me here to play OTHER roles in my life. I don’t know what to do about it though. I want to get the fuck out of here right now and it’s only 10 30 :/ But if I ever, EVER try to articulate that to Jason, he gets pissy because he immediately assumes I mean it’s because of him, or I am trying to take something away from him, or I am destroying something of his because I want to get out of the house. It’s fucking exhausting to try to be whatever the hell it is he thinks he wants from me. I wish he would just let it go already. :/ Same can be said for me though. I think in love we all need to realize that it’s another PERSON and that we need to COMMUNICATE our needs. If they don’t know how can they help?


~ by araelysia on February 4, 2013.

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