Memories pt 1

These will not be in any particular order, they are just going to be written as they come to me. I got the idea while feeding Aedric and putting him to bed because for some reason I suddenly remembered when I was 5 months pregnant with him.

I remember the oppressive heat. It was August of 2011 and we (Jason and I) were living in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.  See, I was an idiot. For a long time, I ran and hid whenever something happened wrong- in this case, I was sick of being homeless in Portland. Heh.  Guess what happened?  The roommates we had (who started treating me differently once they found out I was pregnant..) kicked us out one day out of the blue, even though we had already gotten plane tickets back to Portland because she thought Jason stole a 20 out of her purse.

Frankly, I don’t know if he did, and I don’t give a shit. At this point, I really don’t.  Fuck her.  Fuck her, and her cats and that dog and that weird smell most places with pets usually get because, well, pets.  I don’t mind it most of the time. I think I just remember everything worse out of frustration.

I hated it there, to be honest. I wanted to go to the east coast, yes, and I wanted something different, yes. I got it.  It sucked.  When we were kicked out, it was late in the afternoon. She even dragged everything out of the fridge that was mine and tried to hand it off to us. I was like “What makes you think I have a place to COOK THIS?”

Ugh.  Anyway, I remember the oppressive heat. I remember having to lug that fucking suitcase with me everywhere. I remember that for 3 weeks I ate eggs in the morning, and I tried to stuff myself every morning because I wouldn’t be able to eat again until 5 or 6 pm.  Breakfast was at 8.  No meal in between mind you- no matter if I was pregnant or not.

I slept on a nasty mat on the floor. It was downright disgusting.  Water Street Rescue Mission, if I remember correctly. They just mopped the mats- and I don’t mean actually tried to clean them, I mean just smeared the cleaning solution and the, well, dirt or whatever that was on them.  I remember crying myself to sleep one night because I had to smell those chemicals and I was so damn petrified Aedric was going to be harmed somehow, from the chemicals or lack of decent nutrition, something. I was so scared. So sad.

I slept on a mat in a church.  Men and women were kept very separate.  Separate tables unless you were married.  I remember looking up at that Jesus cross, and listening to all the coughing and people talking, and just.. being disgusted with life.  I remember looking at the ladies who usually sat on the other side of the little stage (there were 9 mats on the stage, I usually got the stage bc I tried to get front of the line..)

I remember looking at their feet (because they both had diabetes and one had lost a toe and was losing another, and the other lady had to go in for dialysis twice a week.  They were nice, and best friends, and it made me so unbearably sad that in this place people with MISSING TOES were homeless and just… stuck.  There were no jobs. No real opportunities there. I know, I tried. I applied everywhere I could, even the hospital. Nope.

Just… ugh.  That and the events after cemented some of my disgust for people.

A lot of my memories hurt.  I’m sorry to subject you to them but I remember, and I wanted to write it down so I can have it all in one place.

However, there was one good thing in that time, just like there has been ever since I found out I was pregnant. Aedric.

I was laying there under that giant JESUS cross and suddenly, he kicked me.  This was right before I found out he was a boy.  Until then, I was sure he was a girl.  I don’t know why, lol.  Anyway, it was just… amazing.  I don’t know how to describe how it feels.  It’s a really odd feeling, but very comforting, until later on when he was jostling for a good position.  I used to sit there while I waited for the library to open and watch my belly move.  He kept me going, when nothing else would. I slathered butter on everything to at least try to keep weight on, and I was so happy when he was born perfect. ❤

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~ by araelysia on February 24, 2013.

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