Soul-Searching

In some ways, my life has ended, and in others it’s just beginning. I am going through a monumental change in self, self-awareness, and overall throughout my life. I am a mom in school, and I’m on my own again, and in some ways it’s beautiful, in some ways it’s tragic, and in some ways it’s scary.

These things have caused me to re-evaluate myself and my glasses and how I see the world through slightly distorted lenses, as we all do. I remember back when I had my mental breakdown/creative deconstruction and restructuring thing. I’m remembering the elemental explanations I gave myself for my feelings, and my different warring urges, and I think I’m finally beginning to truly understand who they were and are. Who knows if they’re really real or figments of my imagination, they matter to me, they were once fundamentally important, and they helped me become the whole me I am today.

I don’t even know how to talk about it when you’re not around, Nyssa. I feel like you’re still there though, so I will try to explain it to you all.
I think the first identity was Flara Blaze. She wasn’t fully developed until I hit about 21, but she began when I was 14, while I was living with my dad during my puberty and he was making me feel attacked for being female. She is half wood spirit half fire spirit, and she feels alone in both worlds. I feel now that this persona was my way of understanding and trying to heal from my time with my father as a young girl. She was shifted out of focus with the beginning of Amaleh when I was 16 or so.

Amaleh was a Drae’kyn’adra, the creator and ruler of a race of biologically engineered dragon-people. Yeah, pretty intense. Anyway, she was also a bit crazy, but in the beginning she was just like, the pillar and center of a great empire, a perfect utopian society.

But then I began to realize the flaws in her design, and I realized that she was not quite as she seemed, and that there were problems beneath her view of the world. She wore very shaded glasses and remained distant from her people.  This is sort of how I view myself being if I were to continue being solitary and hermit-like. It’s frightening, and I don’t like it. At the time, I felt like she was a guide figure and I was like, gifted to be able to speak for her. By this point, the only families I felt like I had were broken and I think I just wanted to feel important. But that didn’t work when California failed and I moved to Portland right after my 19th birthday.

Living in Oregon somehow stimulated my creative self (which was smothered in California where I couldn’t really talk to my friends, who exist primarily online because of my social phobia and connection issues) and made me deal with a lot of personal hurt I had gone through because of my biological family. At this point I pretty much cut myself off from my family.

Living in Oregon made me splinter. The different pieces began moving simultaneously, and I had like seven different personalities all interacting with one another like a roleplaying story.  This entire time I did not feel like Katrina Wischoff, Katrina Wischoff was a doll. A doll for the stage of my mind, I guess. I don’t know.

It really creeps me out thinking about it, but I need to be honest with myself. That was when I was 19-20ish. During this time I moved multiple times into unsteady homes and splintered seemingly beyond repair.  Then on 4/14/08 I had some sort of… brain glitch, and everything just sort of reset.  The personalities that I was feeling like, the characters siezing my mind were just gone overnight. I wondered at it, but began to build myself somehow, and now I am realizing who they are.

I’m realizing that they are all me, and that I can forgive myself for whatever happened to hurt me so badly I went through that, and I am glad I will never go through that again. I can’t, I’m too strong now.  I feel blessed with my wonderful life, with my college and my home and my son and my life here. I love my life now. Now I can truly heal and move forward.

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~ by araelysia on March 24, 2013.

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