Connections

I want to be an open book. I used to be, and then I grew afraid of being destroyed by society.  Well, shit. That happened already! Nothing like being homeless to make you be honest with yourself.

Here are some facts about me.

-I am a mom and going to college fulltime.
-I am separated from my husband, and I’m actually pretty happy with it.
-I believe in a thing called love, and I think it’s way more complicated than we think.
-I used to be crazy.  We’re okay now.  No, really. It’s true.
-I have been doing Tarot readings since the age of 12. I am now 24.
-I used to draw dragons and anthro people in school.
-Every time I check the mail I hope there’s a letter.  From anyone.  There never is.
And last but not least?

-I do not intend to ever get another “normal” 9-5 job. Or really any job where I am working for someone else.

WHOA what? Yeah. Right now I am surviving on TANF and Food Stamps with my son, and college disbursements. I’m making extra money by doing Tarot readings. Do I like that I’m getting money from the government? Yeah.  You want to know why?

I grew up in a motel. And I don’t mean a nice motel, I mean a rat den with holes in the walls, no insulation, and I almost died one night because of the space heaters we had to use for the “apartment” because we had no control over the heat.

I don’t even remember who saved who, it happened twice.  The space heater started a fire, and my dad caught it one night and I caught it the next. If we hadn’t woken up, we probably would have died.

I grew up on walmart food, and I was happy for it. I didn’t know anything about GMO’s or any of that crap at the time, and I was just glad to survive. My dad almost always had beer and cigarettes, but we didn’t have fresh fruits and vegetables often. I don’t remember it at all, really.

I didn’t have many friends, either.  A lot of people thought I was weird.
To be fair, I am.

The closest friendship I ever made was primarily online. Her name was Nyssa Huff and she is the one person who knew me best in the world. I miss her, but I’m glad she’s gone- she wasn’t made for this world. I am not glad she’s dead, exactly, but I’m glad she’s not hurting anymore.

I know what it’s like to not fit in, to hurt. I hid from it for years, and when it finally came back, it came back with a vengeance.

I dealt with it, in my own way, but in doing so I destroyed many, many friendships.

For the first time, I’m finally feeling like I’m in the right place. For most of my life I felt like I was born on the wrong planet, in the wrong time period, etc. It took me until this year to finally acclimate to this culture.. Isn’t that sad?

I think it is. It makes me sad. I wish connecting to people was easier than it is. I wish letting people in was easier- I wish people didn’t hurt each other carelessly. But that’s human nature.

It is also human nature to help one another. To reach out a hand and offer assistance, and I’ve seen that here. In Portland, I am finally feeling a sense of connection with people. I just don’t know how to tell the people. I’m afraid of rejection. I’m afraid of their shortcomings, failures, and ways they can hurt me.

I’m afraid of connecting, because it makes you vulnerable. But here’s the thing… that’s what life is all about. Connections. Years ago I shattered into a billion pieces. I literally destroyed myself because I hated who I was, and I wanted to forge a new path, and I have.

I don’t believe I’m a “Goddess of Balance” anymore. At least not like that.  On some level I always will be, because that’s a personal archetype of mine. I’m finally accepting myself as “A’Raelysia” or “Seed of the Universe”.  I am a part of everything, and I can connect. I just have to learn how.

I’m following my soul. I’m following my instincts. I will only be on this planet maybe a hundred years. I’m going to make it worth it. I want to get to know people, to connect, to be free, and to love other people.  People are amazing. They’re terrifying, but they’re also amazing. You are amazing. And I want to get to know you if you want to get to know me.

Hell, I want to get to know you anyway.  Life is about learning. Learning from each other, growing, evolving, sometimes growing apart… But even as a friendship ends or transforms (Like with Nyssa) it gives a gift along with it. A gift of life.

If you’ve ever felt alone in the world, trapped, like no one understood you… I do. I understand that feeling. If you need someone to talk to, I’m here. wolfgang.katrina@gmail.com. ❤

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~ by araelysia on March 29, 2013.

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