Fun, friends, fiercely motivated

Today I’m going to have some fun with some friends. We’re going to go to the community garden and get our hands dirty. (WARNING this is about to get heavy.)

I try to live in moderation, but as I go through this crazy life I am beginning to realize that I can’t.  I can’t always play it safe, and not get hurt. I feel powerfully. Soul-crushing devastation to fierce motivation, I can’t help but feel everything strongly. Sometimes it makes it easier to cycle through things I need to do, other days it’s harder, but emotions have validity.

We are an end result of millions of years of evolution- don’t forget that. It’s OKAY to be angry. It’s okay to be weak, to be scared. It’s hard for me to say this right now, but ti’s okay to be hurt, to be betrayed. One thing that resounds throughout all of life is honesty. It will come out eventually.. That’s the nature of a lie. The more you try to wrap it up, the bigger the unraveling process will be.

I got to deal with that firsthand yesterday. I found out that my husband (we’re getting divorced, and have been split up since two weeks after our anniversary..) had sex with my best friend. 

Now, I don’t know details. I don’t need or want to, I know they slept together once, and supposedly it made them feel bad. But see, I don’t care about that. I don’t gie a crap about how what they did made them feel- I’m working through the fact that two people I trusted more than anyone on the planet not only saw every sign coming, they physically chose to have sex.

I have issues with sex, okay? I’m not perfect. The idea of giving a blowjob gives me the creeps, frankly. Now, these two both know I have issues with sex in general.  I tried to do my best in our marriage, but we weren’t close like that. To have this happen, though? To have neither of them have the capacity for self control? It burns like hell.

I’m trying to make more friends and grow. I’m trying to blog, and at this point I don’t care if either of them are unhappy with me posting this blog. I’m not posting it on my facebook, I am posting it here and I might share it with a blogging group I’m in, but I’m not naming their names and it’s my life too. It’s my hurt, too.


~ by araelysia on April 6, 2013.

4 Responses to “Fun, friends, fiercely motivated”

  1. Dang. I’m sorry to read that! Hope you are doing at least somewhat okay… A.

  2. I am sorry for what you are going through. I went through a similar situation, and it hurt like hell…for a long time. Just know that time will pass and the hurt will go away, eventually. Just surround yourself with good friends and laugh when you need to, and cry when you need to, and scream when you need to. All of that is okay!

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