Daring

I’m putting myself out there. This is the true me.

I don’t want to get a job. Yeah, I said it. At least not a normal one, where I put in hours for someone else and get paid crap.  I don’t care about money that much. I care about having a roof over my head and a garden at my disposal. I care about connecting back to the Earth that toiled so much for my consciousness to ever be able to exist.  If any number of impossible things hadn’t happened ever since life first began on this planet, I wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be here, reading this.

THIS MATTERS.  This is what I believe in. I don’t know much about the words that I’m not saying here, because I don’t know what the words for this feeling are, if they exist. I am conscious. I matter. So do you.

I don’t want to get caught in the corporate bullshit. I think Corporations have too much power, and it scares the crap out of me. I’m even writing a book or two about it. Why? Because it really, really bothers me, and I see things as stories. If.. no, when I allow myself to write freely, I tap into something deep, and it scares me. I haven’t written in months, because I do, then I get in deep, and I get scared, and I back back out.

I think it’s like, my “Shadow self”.  I believe that all of us have all the capabilities for every character trait ever observed in people.  And possibly aliens 😛  But no, seriously. When we are young we develop this idea of like, who we are, and “bad things to avoid being”.  But we still HAVE those parts of ourselves.  Sometimes we fight it, sometimes we suck at fighting it, but they will always be there because it’s part of human consciousness.

I don’t like people much, in person. People just usually feel… idk, spiky. I feel really tired after dealing with people for extended periods of time, even small, general socializing. I’m a solitary being, and I won’t apologize for that to anyone.

I may be abnormal- until recently I didn’t even feel very female, just androgynous- but I still matter. My view, my life. I am only going to be in this existence for another 50 years or more if I’m lucky. That’s a long time, sure.  If we all lived to be exactly 100 we would have lived for approximately 36525 days.  Damn. When you say it like that, huh?  (I counted leap year, I think.)

Anyway, that’s not much time. I want to be happy when I am here, and I am happy writing. So my plan right now is to continue going to college and to funnel a lot of my money into like, being able to grow things so I could then try to sell my extra or something, or just not have to spend money on it.  I want to build a home with some people I trust and have a community living type thing with like, hobbit homes. I really, really want to grow food and be in touch with nature, you know? I want to reconnect to like, early tribal humanity, because I think our society took a couple of wrong terms. I don’t want to be COMPLETELY detached from the rest of humanity, but I want to have some space from it- I still want access to the knowledge we have acquired.

I just don’t think our current economic system is going to last much longer. Eesh! Scary.

I’m going to go continue writing, but thank you for reading this 🙂

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~ by araelysia on April 7, 2013.

2 Responses to “Daring”

  1. Interesting blog – my husband is like you – growing our food. Keep up the writing – Looking forward to it.

    • Thank you 🙂 It’s important to me for many reasons.. I grew up in poverty, I’ve always been drawn to living sustainably, and writing is the expression of my soul 🙂 Thank you for reading!

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