I never wanted to get married like a normal person. Like, the white wedding dress, chapel, all that shit? Sooo not for me. I met Jason during a very vulnerable point in my existence, and I’m glad I did. I met him the day after I got raped, and he became my best friend. I wandered the streets of Portland with him during the day and at night we’d go back to Porchlight and watch terrible movies and hate our surroundings.

I met him when I was homeless. The second full day I was homeless in Portland. At that time in my life I wanted to believe in love more than anything else, and when a few months later he asked me to marry him, I said yes.

I won’t go into every single detail of our relationship, but something happened that shattered him that same night, and it has changed his entire personality. I think he knows it, but I’m not sure. Anyway, the job I had tanked and Jason two months later convinced me to spend 35$ on a marriage license because we were already hearing rumblings of Janus kicking us out of the youth program- him because he was too old and me because frankly I don’t think they knew how to help me.

I was afraid, and alone, and panicked and homeless and I knew that the only stability I had had up until that point was about to disappear, so I did what I felt I had to- I married him. I didn’t actually want to marry him right then, and I think he knew it- he even said that he felt like that was what destroyed our relationship- him pushing so hard for the marriage.

And he was right. We were not suited for each other. We lived together and rubbed each other raw for 2 years, then the thing with Kendra happened. I won’t go into it but I will say this-  Telling someone who’s hurting “I told you so” is really fucking painful and cruel. Believe me. I GET IT. Okay?

I get it. I don’t understand people, I don’t understand how they can do the terrible things they do, but I get that apparently I should have seen it coming. I did the best with the hands I was dealt. If you want to judge me for marrying him not quite a full year after meeting him you go right ahead. I hung out with him every day. It isn’t my fault he betrayed me. Just.. ugh.

Look. Jason helped me through a majorly rough period of my life. He and I both really tried and failed. It’s just how it is.. and I don’t appreciate being judged by people who consider themselves my friends for it. That really fucking hurts.


~ by araelysia on April 14, 2013.

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