Patience

I am quite late in my self challenge because for the last 10+ days I’ve been dealing with some personal issues. Jason and Kendra have arrived and I’ve felt very hurt by their choices in how to act around me. Pretty much every boundary I have was completely ignored, and I feel like they’re ganging up on me. I don’t feel safe in my own home and that is not acceptable.

I have been having some health issues- panic attacks and similar symptoms. Chest pains, nausea, queasiness, fear.  Jason’s been very aggressive toward me while it’s just Jason, Aedric, Kendra and I in the apartment. When my friend is here at least I feel a little safer, but not very much. Jason had a good point that there are a lot of people in this apartment, but the friend that stays here has a full time job and only needs to be here to sleep until 3 am. He’s not really infringing upon anyone, and his mess is minimal. I hate feeling caught between this much tension, it pisses me off that this has come upon me when I need to be focusing on getting good grades in school.

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~ by araelysia on April 29, 2013.

9 Responses to “Patience”

  1. 😦 I know the feeling of being “cornered” in your own home. Or at least in your safespot. I have no solution to this, no nice idea of how to free yourself. Just open a valve in the back of your head and let part of your spirit escape into a mental Zen-garden. Make it the part of you that is having panic and anxiety, to wait out the shitstorm…doesn’t help a lot, but it helps me a little bit.

    • I generally try to escape onto the patio to possibly smoke a little (yay green peace) or I get out of the house SOMEHOW if possible. If I can’t make it, I go in my room and hide and cry and let the storm pass. It’s been better the last few days since I started actively trying to communicate effectively..

  2. I’ve seen people get shot for that in the South. In the movies that is.

    You must be a great host to make them feel so comfortable.

    But it’s just bad manners to go into someone’s house and put the host in a uncomfortable spot.

    I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

    Here’s my two cents though: What are friends good for if you can’t tell them to “Fuck off, or be a better guest.” once in awhile in good confidence?

    • Ironically she kind of just did it herself today. She flat out told me that she thinks I should have “been an asshole and said no” to them coming back here, and we had a discussion about it and my issues with assertiveness in person and stuff like that. I think we’re getting there. Man, this stuff’s complicated!

      • Why do you have problems with being assertive?

      • Because I’m afraid of people- often physically. The idea of a confrontation makes my chest tighten, my palms sweat, my heart races, and I get terrified. I want to get away. When I was younger, my dad screamed at me a lot and I couldn’t really get away from him or I didn’t know how to, and recently Jason’s been like that, so I think on some primal level I’m scared to assert myself because of that, and other issues.

      • That hurts…

        Do you want to be stronger?
        Or do you want other people to stop being douche-bags?

      • Both, I also want to be around more people who are not douchebags

      • Well… I can’t do anything about your scars. Here’s something that will help you though.

        It’s called “Question and Command”

        Whenever you feel oppressed by someone, whenever someone makes you feel bad, try this.

        1. Stop Listening
        Stop empathizing or trying to understand them.
        2. Ask Questions
        Question their motives, question their intentions, question everything about them. Make them explain their actions even if it seems obvious why. Ask until they clearly explain the reason for their actions. If what they say doesn’t make sense to you, let them know they need to be more clear and ask again.
        3. Command
        When they can’t answer simple questions like, “What is your intention? Why would you treat me this way? What makes you think you have the right?” Trust me, most of the time, most people doesn’t have the slightest clue why or what they are doing. That’s your cue to command. Don’t explain anything, simply command. As if you are a queen. Command them to stop. Command them to do whatever.

        Now… this thing takes practice. It takes a certain mindset to make it work. You really have to feel like a queen. You really have to feel the authority inside you. You have to convince yourself that they are the ones that has to prove themselves. It takes lots of practice.

        As you get better at it, you’ll figure out your own style of doing it, and as you get good at the basics, you can figure out more advanced ways of doing it.

        It works under the principle of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity applied to human interactions. By you putting them in the spot-light and making them expose their incompetence with their own words and actions, under the principle of relativity, they believe you’re better than them. You plant seeds of doubt and fear in their head, taking their self-esteem and confidence in their personal-ability away from them. So when you command, they listen.

        It does not work in every situation like mugging, unless you’re a genius at it. But in most human interactions, it does. It also does not work against everyone. Some are too brave and smart to be phased, some are too insecure and ignorant to be phased. But I’d say about 90% of the time it will work. Because extremely brave/smart or extremely insecure/dumb people are rare as leprechauns.

        These ‘douche-bags’ are not douche-bags around other people. They are douche-bags just to you. If they treat everyone like they treat you, they would not be alive. That shit just makes me so mad. If you’re going to be an ass-hole. Be an ass-hole to everyone! Don’t pick and choose your victims!

        All this might sound like its really mean and nasty thing to do, but it really isn’t. You’ll understand once you do it successfully. It’s just a way to defend yourself.

        If big bad wolf keeps blowing your house down. Just repairing it is not gonna stop him from tearing it down again. Dig a moat, dig pit fall traps, put up a spike fence, get a shotgun, they are going to have to learn how to knock real quick.

        Maybe you feel it’s unjust to put fear and doubt in other people’s heads. Because you deal with the same things… Well… I don’t know. That’s something you have to figure out on your own. But until you’re strong enough to be a saint, it’s a technique you can use and develop.

        Machiavelli, in his book, wrote that a prince should always have his sword with him even though he has well armed bodyguards. Think about that.

        Lastly, I want you to be happy.

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