This song really kind of suits me lately. Failed love, pain, growth, transformation. I won’t let this shit get me down. I won’t let PEOPLE get me down. Fuck that nonsense, I’m sick of doing it. Yes, this blog will have swearing occasionally.

Anyway. I feel like right now I am on an ocean but the waves are bringing me closer to the sun and to home, and out of the terrible storm I’ve been trapped in for the past.. well, life.

“Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turned my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow”

This is honestly how I feel right now, in a way. I need to disconnect from other people and just focus on myself, on my own needs and drives and desires and hopes, and fears too.

Fears are what drives us.  You want to know what I’m afraid of? A lot.. because I never felt safe growing up. I didn’t have a steady home, or even a set of semi steady homes. It was usually just go live with my dad and a friend of his, or my mom, who isn’t always stable either. Neither of them were emotionally stable enough to be a good parent. My mom lost my respect at a really young age, if she ever had it to begin with-

It’s sad, but I always loved my dad more. At least I felt a connection there, even considering how he was with alcohol.

I keep getting distracted, but it’s because it all ties in together. My dad drank and smoked and we lived at the D&D Motel.

Hell, I can even tell you the address. 4455 Lakeshore Drive. The woman who owned it when I lived there (she might have finally died recently- she is at least 80) was a slumlord in a big way. I got picked on in school consistently from Kindergarten up til graduation, so I never felt like Canandaigua was home to me.

I tried to go the normal route of things- I did. My aunt and uncle let me stay with them and pay 100$ a month for rent. I got a job at walmart, but I began to realize I was having some kind of major issue with it. At the time I knew nothing of mental disorders, therapy, etc, because of complete distrust toward people like that. After all, my mom had me put on Prozac when I was 9. No thank you.

Basically I was having multiple panic attacks a day and just trying to get through them because I didn’t know what else to do. I had no friends there, I had no real internet connection because my uncle wanted me to meet people outside of the house. That’s great and all, I get it, but I have social phobia. I can’t just walk out the door and say hello to some random person and make a friend. That’s not how I work.

All of my life I have felt very disconnected from other people- I feel alone, like no one understands me, like no one wants to understand me, etc. I don’t always feel this way anymore, but recently I have been because, well, hello… I’m being triggered daily.

I’ve never felt secure, safe. I yearn for it and fear it simultaneously. I yearn for deep human connection. I lost my best friend, and I’ve never known anyone who understood me like her… And she’s just… gone. Forever.

I can’t accept that. It just… No, I still believe in souls. I’ve had too many odd/interesting things happen since she died to believe it that easily. Now, I don’t think she’s going to like, reappear in the flesh, I just feel her presence.

I’m just trying to grow, and get through, and see the treasures of every moment. I’m 25 in a week.  It’s awesome and unnerving. I was 15 a decade ago. I miss that girl I was. I wish I could be her again.


~ by araelysia on May 11, 2013.

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