Wounded.

That’s how I feel. Wounded. Generally, by society, on a personal, emotional, psychological and even an academic level. I’m too hurt to know what to do. I don’t know where to go from here.

I miss memories I never had. A few years ago I had such high fucking hopes for myself, I KNEW I would get there, I KNEW I would be a bestseller and would be Out There. I knew it. I knew it as part of my soul knew part of my life’s path, and I just… knew. I knew everything. Who I was, what was to come. But then… things went weird. Then weirder. Then worse. Then fucked up. Then beyond fucked up. And then now to where I am now which is possibly one of the most emotionally painful situations I’ve ever been in in my life and I could tell you a list. I think this is top 3 one of the worst I have ever felt in my life and I don’t even have the escape of mental illness, as sad as that sounds.

I hurt all over, all the time, and I don’t know if I will ever stop and it scares me, because I love the happy moments when I get them, but I know I have some really dark times coming before the sunlight. And I am so. fucking. scared.

This has nothing to do with suicide and everything to do with losing everything I’ve ever had to gain everything I ever wanted, and things I don’t even know I want yet. Life hurts. Why doesn’t someone give you a manual for how to deal with things?

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~ by araelysia on May 22, 2013.

One Response to “Wounded.”

  1. Life is a rollercoaster. All that it is, is a ride. Up. Enjoy the view. Down. Nurish yourself from the Up.
    Don’t be scared though. Remember the knowing phase, and KNOW that there will be a time like that again, there will come the next up on the rollercoaster ride.
    Just remember: You can’t change the bricks that make up your house, but the color of the walls is up to you! Even though life can deal you moments that suck watermelons through gardening hoses, how you deal with them – that is entirely your decision.
    Mail me if you need to talk. *hug*

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