Fathers and Forgiveness

My father was the first person I ever really forgave for something major. I have a hard time moving past some of the betrayals and pain in my life, and it took me years of separation and thousands of miles apart for me to consider why my father behaved as he did. At the same time, I was dealing with lack of food and stuff so that didn’t help speed things along..

Anyway, my father still lives in NY. He was an alcoholic (and still is, honestly, but now I understand why he was so depressed and upset all the time) and now it’s been a decade and I miss him. In 3 years it will be a decade since we’ve lived together. I really wish he would come live with me in that eco village I’m dreaming of. I’ve started meeting more people interested in the same things- sustainability, survival, disconnecting from the corporate teat…. You know, the whole shebang.

It occurs to me that if hemp were federally legalized to be grown as a crop, hempcrete would be a very sound building material for my forever home. I want it kind of hobbity, but I’m not sure if I want a grass roof.

I totally just got off subject, I’m sorry.

Anyway, as I was saying before I got distracted by a daydream, forgiveness is hard. Especially when it’s something bigger than someone stealing a bra or something. I’ve realized in the past few years a lot of things about people, some good and some bad, but most of all I’m trying to learn the biggest thing- forgiveness.

I’ll admit, I’m a scorekeeper. I can’t help it.If wronged, it just tallys up in my head and then I say something stupid and repetitive, the same things every time. I just feel like they don’t get addressed.

I’m trying to work on my problems on my own. I’m trying to grow as a person. I’m trying to forgive myself, too.

I don’t know how to work through it, but I’m trying. Do you have any ideas?

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~ by araelysia on June 16, 2013.

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