This goes out to a specific person who I haven’t spoken to in years.

Darkness dwells within us all. We all have our shadows, our crosses to bear, things we have said and done that we look back on with regrets, sorrow, self-hate… and that would be what I did to one particular guy. I was in a really bad spot mentally, and I think he was too. We both were going through a lot and clung to each other in the crazy storm of our emotions. We were both about 18-19 and he wanted to come visit me while I was living in Wilsonville.

He got his ticket and came by Greyhound I think it was all the way to Oregon from Nevada. His name is Will. Was. I don’t know what he goes by now… life changes us. Anyway, he came while I was in a really dark, broody, solitary place, and I didn’t know what to do. I was trapped in a crappy job, living with a roommate who made me very uncomfortable, and I just felt stuck, upset, angry… you name it.

He was so good to me while he was there.. It was for a few weeks, and it was amazingly sweet. He made me ramen noodles because I had strep throat, and I had to go in and work at my call-center job anyway. I couldn’t afford not to. He was there for Christmas and through past his birthday. I remember because I broke up with him the day before.

I can’t even remember all the sweet things he did for me, but… god, he was so much better than I was. He made me uncomfortable though, because he was *too* sweet. He just sat there, probably hurt and confused about why I was always on the computer even though he came to visit me, but.. I don’t know. He scared me for some reason. Because he was so perfectly kind and calm. He read over my shoulder what I was typing to people, and that made me uncomfortable so I changed the font in AIM so it was harder for him to read, and I could still vent.

I was a really, really shitty person. I was a shitty person because I was so hurt, so devastated by events in my life and my own darkness that I just… didn’t make sense. I lashed out unfairly, and I still feel bad. I still hate myself for what I did to him, because he didn’t deserve it.

He gave me a few hundred dollars because he saw that I couldn’t afford a tattoo I wanted to get while I was visiting my friends in NY. That was his money, and after we broke up too. I didn’t even think about it until afterward that his birthday was the day after I broke up with him. He had a mental breakdown apparently a few months later… words can’t express how bad I feel still. He was a good person and I just… wow. Yeah.

Since then I’ve been really, really shitty things happen to me, too. I don’t know why I was so cruel, it isn’t how I normally am. I honestly don’t know, and that’s part of why I hate myself. How could I do something like that to someone?

Maybe that’s why I don’t deserve love.


~ by araelysia on June 30, 2013.

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