Unworthy

I find myself wondering what it is specifically that has me feeling like I’m unworthy of love. Was it my parents not holding me enough as a young child? Not talking to me enough, not listening, not caring? Was it judgmental family members? Was it the guy in 9th grade who asked me out on a dare as a joke? Was it the first boyfriend who conned me into giving up my virginity, harassed me into having sex with him every time we hung out, and then bought me a computer, guild wars, and broke up with me, finishing with saying that he loved me like a sister?

Or is it what I did to Will? Is it the fact that my husband and my ex best friend fucked on my couch before we were even separated? Is it that I’ve never known how to tell people how I feel, so I come off as passive aggressive? I don’t know, but it hurts.

I don’t know that I want to put myself out there for love though. I don’t know that I want to crack open my heart chakra and open myself up to more pain. But then again, this mindset really, really hurts.

Maybe part of it is because of things my mother’s told me about what the family has said about me being on food stamps. Maybe it’s that I was homeless and poor all my life, and now I just failed college and am tackling my book, and everything in my life is shaky but Aedric.

Maybe I’m not unworthy at all. I don’t know. I just don’t know.

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~ by araelysia on June 30, 2013.

One Response to “Unworthy”

  1. I happen to stumble upon your blog, and this post. Very Powerful….Thank You! *Author, Catherine Lyon* 🙂 🙂

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