Birth Days

Birth days are a violent, painful, messy, primal affair. The gift of life, of the self. Without it… Well, nothing. Literally. When I celebrate a birthday, I celebrate it for the mother as well as the child, because I understand that connection now.

So when it’s your birthday, here is my gift to you: Close your eyes for five moments, and just become aware of yourself, become aware of the rest of humanity. You being here, the sheer fact that you can exist is so amazing.. That is the feeling I want to share with people. And I haven’t been able to find the words because it’s so beautiful.

When I think of this, I really am thinking about everyone. Or at least I’m trying to. I’m thinking of people with terrible mothers, people with amazing mothers, people who never knew their mother… I’ve known a lot of different stages, and I’ve known a lot of people who’ve had a bad connection with their mother.

I do too.

My mother recently apologized to me (over the phone, she lives in Canandaigua, New York and I live in Portland, Oregon) for not talking to me enough as a small child. She felt terrible, she said, but she was very depressed and we just… never had it. I don’t think we ever had that kind of a connection. I had it with my dad. And it kind of makes me sad (What? rhyme? Uh oh.)

My mom meant well, I’m sure. But the ways she tried weren’t what I needed at the time. Now I’m 25 and I just… don’t really feel comfortable opening up to her. Judgment occurs a lot in my family.

My mother and my father fought over me for years. I will never do that to Jason. My mom wanted custody, but honestly of the two of them I actually preferred my dad. My mom once kept pushing that I must be depressed and hate my father for being in jail and not being in my life. No, I thought.. Not really. I love Papa, but he’s just gone away for a while. He will be back.

She had me write a letter to him and she sat near me and made me very uncomfortable and afraid. I don’t remember what she said or did, but I remember being frightened of her. She is a very calm person until she erupts- both of my parents do that to some degree. She’s more passive, my father is generally more assertive if not aggressive.

I am into peaceful parenting. I still breastfeed Aedric, he’s 18 months now. I love him with all my heart and soul. I never knew love like this could exist, and I feel so blessed to be here now, able to share all this with you.

May you have a beautiful summer. ❤

*~*Katrina*~*

It’s not my birthday, or Aedric’s, but someone I care about’s birthday is coming up and I know a lot of mama’s now.. Across the country, anyway. Celebrate you.

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~ by araelysia on July 2, 2013.

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