Fear

Fear is a mindkiller, they say. It’s ravenous, engulfing, ensnaring. To write is to have courage, to fight the dark, demonic dragon that hates you, wants to destroy you. It’s your greatest enemy… And only you have the power to face it, to show it you won’t give in that easily. Every word is a tactical blow, a sword strike against obsidian scales. Sweat drenches your body and the idea of going on, despite the odds, is daunting. This is your dragon to fight, no one else can see it. Fear kills the soul through inaction. Creativity must be stroked lovingly, though the dragon stands in your way.

I write for the future, because memories are a minefield, and the present is gone like that. No one knows when the end will come. Do you really want the world not to know you even exist?

People need you to tell them what’s happened so they know of experiences not their own. Only you know of the eardrums. Only you know of your memories of Margie the Harpy. Only you can face your dragons, and you alone know their weaknesses. Fear is a mindkiller because you let it. You survived Mike, Ellie, homelessness in Pennsylvania.

You know of the bridge. Peeing outside into a Big Gulp cup when you had a urinary tract infection from your rape.

You know of the beautiful stolen moments of time at the Oregon Motel with Jason. Lady Liberty’s crown is fallen here. Or perhaps it’s Portlandia.

You remember climbing over that stone railing at 7, 8 months pregnant. Jason calling his parents telling them we were afraid for our safety and his dad asking if there was a shelter we could go to. Mom’s call right before Aedric was born when Adeline called asking who was paying for my labor.

Desperation. Fear. Hurt. Hate. My own family.

Fuck family. I have my own. That kind of casual cruelty burns deep.
Fuck Adeline. Fuck Rich.
Aedric is worth every moment of pain my family has put me through.

I wrote this on the MAX today, and it made my throat hurt which is why I stopped. I made a lot of references to painful memories.

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~ by araelysia on July 25, 2013.

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