Internet Addiction

You would think with the amount of time I spend staring at this computer screen I’d get a lot more writing done. No. I pay nearly 90$ for my internet and phone. My mom calls me every now and again, telling me the newest things that she’s being asked by the family (who don’t ask me, of course, for some reason or another) and asking (because even she doesn’t know what really happened) what’s going on.

Well, maybe I don’t want to tell people. Maybe it’s still too raw that my husband screwed my friend on the couch. Maybe it’s still too raw that this all happened while I was trying to salvage school while also dealing with dental issues, and the emotional trauma of my best friend’s death? The end of September marks a year that she’s gone. Most of what I remember of that time was excruciating pain because I needed to have my molars pulled.

Now I can’t chew. Should I tell them that? Hey, look, I fucked up again guys, you want to judge that too? Gah, maybe I’m just bitter. I didn’t want my dad to be right. He needed dentures when he was 25, and I didn’t brush my teeth enough and look… Well, it’s not entirely me. At this point the teeth that are left are functional, (for the most part).. It’s the jaw that’s the problem.

I spent a long time in my life being picked on and judged by other people. For my glasses, for my jaw…

You want to see it? Fine, I’m feeling ballsy… Or self-hating enough… who knows. I kind of like how crazy this picture looks. I’ll post a better one too, so if you’re not too scared you’ll see a different pic as well.

Image

 

heh heh. Now do you get it? Talk about self-image issues.Image

But it’s all okay now. Or something. Anyway, I have this thing where I hate myself for different things at different times. I love myself, as the person within, but I’m disappointed with myself for not writing.. I’m disappointed in myself for logging on to Facebook, which depresses me and stresses me out, but not posting a blog here every day like I was supposed to when I did this blog. I did it for a while, and then the emotional waters got tough and I said FUCK THIS I’m out of the pool…

Who knows, maybe that’s why I’m so addicted to the internet right now. It’s easier to talk about stuff with a screen in your face than to a person in front of you who will interrupt, or seem like they care but talk about it behind your back, or offer suggestions and assumptions when you’re just not interested and you just needed someone to listen to you…

Maybe it’s all these things. I’m afraid of going outside and having to deal with people because I have had to deal with so many crappy people. Now I want to find a way to cheer myself up. how about another picture? Image

 

and a last oneImage

 

I’ll get through this. I know I can.
And I don’t know what you’re going through, but you can too ❤

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~ by araelysia on August 12, 2013.

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