I had three glasses. I feel like talking and I don’t know why. I’m lonely. That’s why. I’m just lonely in general. Blah. I feel like dancing, screaming, jumping, following the moon through the woods on a magic journey… Okay, I’m not that far gone but hey, have you really never done that? It’s good for you, I suggest it.

My father is an alcoholic. He’s a brilliant man, a good man, a sweet man, but he has his troubles and they are alcoholic in nature. It’s his escape. Mine is the internet. I guess it runs in the family. My escape is because I have a hard time connecting to people- or more frankly, I’m too scared to. You people are weird, man. I mean, I’m super weird. I’m like, out past the VISION of the box weird, so I get it, weird is kind of normal, but… being hurt sucks.

It really sucks to let someone in only to have them leave you behind when they move on to the next stage of their life. Part of me gets it though. Part of me always gets it, and the emotional part always lies behind, whining “Why???” BECAUSE. Now shut the fuck up so I can think.

I’ve felt lonely for as long as I can remember. Even being friends with Nyssa made me lonely… She was so very, very honest, it was refreshing. I find it nice when people are forthright about their own failings. When you accept yourself, shadow and light, you’re far closer to being “right”. Only through hiding and lying are we ever “wrong” and even then, it’s not my place to push my morals on you.

That doesn’t make it hurt any less though. Several months ago my now ex (we’re working on the papers still… Hopefully in a couple weeks!) and my then best friend ended up having sex on my couch. I can’t even really think of what to say about that. It was when she was here to visit for our anniversary. We broke up the thursday after she left, but I didn’t find out about it until Father’s day.

this year sucks. Can I take a break now? Can I get some good luck please? A change of weather, a change of wealth and income and prosperity, promise and creativity, life and fun? I just want something less depressing. Less solitarily, soul-crushingly depressing.

I hate when I get in that mood. That whiny, “Oh em gee, everything’s not working out for me”… That feeling you get when you get discouraged and feel everything’s against you. I hate it. I want it to go away forever. I wish I could just release feelings..

But then, how would that help me heal?

Sorry this wasn’t cheerier…

Apparently wine makes me lonely. :/ Blah.


~ by araelysia on September 16, 2013.

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