It’s been a while…

Still trying to sort through things in my head. And by that I mean I waste a lot of time on Facebook, Guild Wars 2, watching Frasier (OMG Niles is so cute) and hanging out with my friend and my son. 

It’s been almost a year since it happened, and I just deleted the ex best friend again. I don’t know how to feel about her anymore. I have so many questions I want to ask but don’t want the answers to. There are just so many things that didn’t make sense. How could someone I was friends with for 7 years and my husband just not. give. a. shit. how I would feel about how they acted? I mean honestly. I don’t feel like it was my fault, aside from letting people like that in… but it confuses me, because they’re not “like that”… At least not entirely.

No one is ever as we expect them to be, but no one is just black and white. No matter what people do today, there are assuredly things in their past that have helped them get to the unpleasant state they’re at now. I don’t think rapists count, but that’s another blog and trigger I’m not dealing with this morning. 

What confuses me about it is that there were such a convoluted set of lies. They lived with me and moved out in June, and aside from a couple of times when she apparently thought it appropriate to vent to me about her relationship with Jason (which I set her straight on, because as much as I get that people need to vent and as much as I understand why, there is NOTHING okay with bitching to the not even ex-wife about your current relationship with her husband or what he does wrong. Trust me, honey, I know.. I lived with him for three years.

I deleted her a few days ago. I have a hard time letting go of old friendships, and it’s not like I will never see her again. She lives with Jason, after all, every time I go down to drop Aedric off with Jason at Oregon City transit center she’s there with him. But she’s never shown any kind of emotional understanding as a human being, which shocks me. She avoided my gaze. I’m not surprised. They both changed after they did the dirty.

All of this sounds so normal, but it’s not. She was such an awesome friend, when she wasn’t being judgmental. That I attributed to her family and her past… but now I’m not so sure. Did I ever even know her? Certainly not the same way I knew Nyssa… but I wanted to. I loved her in a similar way. I cared about her so much that even the THOUGHT of her being with Jason gave me severe anxiety, and I think that’s what fractured the friendship. I didn’t know the truth, but I guessed, and I went into hyperdrive.

It destroyed everything. All my foundations I was trying to build- I was getting my teeth pulled because of the excruciating pain at the time, and I was in school… My grades did NOT take it well. I have to save up to be able to get back into school, and I also need to deal with my teeth and vision. 

It rocked my entire world and tilted it on its axis, and while it was as devastating as the Tower coming down, amongst the rubble I found parts of myself I’d long forgotten.

I don’t hate her. I don’t hate him. I just have to heal.

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~ by araelysia on January 5, 2014.

2 Responses to “It’s been a while…”

  1. I hope you get the healing you n eed from this issue. and I have been cheated on before. and it is never easy to deal with. Especially when it is a close friend who does it to you. 😦 I will never understand that either. hugs and love

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