Two Years of Home

Two years ago today I signed my name on the first piece of paper to proclaim that I had an apartment in my name.
Well, I guess technically I did in Wilsonville once years ago but that was with a roommate who was there first, and that’s another story entirely.

This blog is dedicated to the two years I’ve seen in this apartment. Tumultuous, crazy adventures, drama, physical pains and growth… So many changes. I’m having trouble finding the words.

I feel like I’ve let my writing go and I honestly have felt very disappointed in myself for it, but I’m trying to release those feelings. I’ve helped a friend through some extremely troubling times, and gone through some myself. I haven’t been able to process them emotionally yet, but that will come. Maybe tonight, maybe not… But my, my these walls have seen some times.

I’m getting agitated just thinking about it. I can’t wait until tomorrow, my goal is to rearrange the furniture. I am sick of my apartment being like this. SIck of facing east to the bedroom that barely gets any light, sick of feeling trapped and lonely and isolated in my space. It’s really sad how depressed I get sitting here, staring at the empty blankness of the internet, attempting to fill itself infinitely.

All these little bits of data, all the blog posts and old profiles and old email accounts and neopets and all that crap you forgot you signed up for… Those old fragments of our identity, there and gone, it just gets to be too much for me… But horribly, lonely as I am, I still seek… something. That special person I know I’ll meet again. Someone who gets it, who clicks, who cares.

There are many things about our society that bother me, and when I’m as troubled as I am right now I have difficulty articulating my thoughts, so bear with me. 

I live in Oregon. My parents live in New York, I rarely speak to them… I have family in California, Colorado, Washington, Wisconsin, New York, and Ireland. I don’t really speak to them. At all. The support structure I had here in Portland was as a homeless youth, and once I no longer fit the criteria I guess most of the friendships just drifted. I think they were superficial anyway. I got involved in the Occupy movement, and I still have a couple leftover Facebook friends from that, but… I just have the one in person friend. The rest of it’s online. This weekend I met a bunch of awesome ladies from a secret group, and it was great… But I crave more.

I crave connection… community, solidarity, an ecovillage. Words and feelings I can’t express because I haven’t felt them before. I crave family that goes beyond blood into kinship.

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~ by araelysia on March 24, 2014.

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