I’m an out of the box thinker. In fact, I’ve recognized for a long time that I’m so far outside the box that I have a hard time even seeing the box anymore. It makes my heard hurt, but it’s true.

Anyway, I’ve been having a lot on my mind lately, from mental health to finances to personal needs to dreams, fears, goals, self created blockages, etc.

I’ve been thinking about ableism, and broken societal expectations so heavily dependent upon an arbitrary form of value where if one does NOT have a job, one is not worthy of… well, anything.

I’ve been thinking about how depressed I get on Facebook, seeing people post the most cruel, hateful, judgmental things about one another, cutting other human beings down for having a slightly different opinion, or simply because Fox news said to blame the poor people for what the rich have been doing in plain sight.

It’s 11:11 and I’ve been thinking of that too. Of upgrading. Hell, today’s 9/18, if you’re thinking numerologically that has to stand for something. Magical thinking. I know I do it. I’m okay with that. Why? Because… someone HAS to.

I can’t just go find a piece of land that’s been abandoned and start growing and building on it. I can’t just live, or grow food, or try to survive unless I lock myself into essentially a twisted prison? No thank you…

It’s not even just that it agitates the free will within me that burns and yearns to see beyond the horizon. It’s not even that my entire life I’ve just wanted to be able to stick some seeds in the soil and KNOW I will be there when those seeds turn into trees, or perennials that I can see grow bigger and more vibrant every year.

It’s that every job I have ever had, with the exception of one has given me panic attacks and anxiety far beyond what I would consider safe. It’s that I can’t even handle dealing with my case manager because she’s such a bitch to me and I have taught myself to have issues with conflict. It’s that to me it’s not about the money, I just want to be happy and survive, and yet it comes down to that. And it bugs me.

So how are you supposed to release baggage with money so you have baggage free money??? AHHHHHH

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~ by araelysia on September 19, 2014.

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