Time

It’s fall, so I’m sure it’s not just on my mind. I fight sleep because I am afraid of losing more time, afraid to admit today is gone and still I have not “gotten enough done”. I don’t even know what that means, just that I am filled with an eternal sense of losing myself in the chaos.

To think, my beautiful baby is now a massive toddler. Two years, such a change. He was just learning how to stand about now. Nyssa was freshly gone, and my dental pain was beginning to flare up.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s a point. In sharing with strangers, sharing my story, my feelings, my fears. I wonder what I hope to achieve… and then I remember a quote I wrote down on paper near my desk. “We do not write to be understood, we write in order to understand.” C Day-Lewis.

All my life I’ve wished people “understood me”. But we have to see past our own perceptions in order to see another clearly. And I think people DO understand one another.. when we try and open up.

I get scared opening up to people these days. I think I avoid my blog because I’m afraid of letting people get to know me. Or because I’m afraid I don’t know what to say.

Time gobbles up the world behind you, and you can’t go back and fix anything, or right the wrongs or DO things you should have done but put off, always for the imaginary realm of TOMORROW. When you add depression and anxiety to this, it is unnervingly easy to fall into old, useless patterns that do more harm than good.

Simultaneously, however, I’m very grateful for where I am. Well, not physically, but that’s another post. πŸ˜‰ I enjoy meeting new people, making new friends, forging new connections and networking. I’m excited about Measure 91 and the changes in conversation across the board about cannabis.

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~ by araelysia on October 28, 2014.

One Response to “Time”

  1. Hello! I found your post particularly interesting in the meaning of time and fighting sleep. I use to think like this also, I would dream about everything that I had to get done and feel anxious about everything that I had not done yet. But as my anxiety got better i learnt to take one thing at a time and it really made me enjoy the time that i was awake, doing things rather then rushing through and feeling down that not enough was done. I was working over 50 hours a week and full time university and it all became very stressful, finishing my bar job at 4am in the mornings and starting work the next day at 9. I began to not recognise myself in the mirror. But when i decided to step back and set aside free time and not overwork myself, I valued my time more and began to ‘find myself again.’ Hope this helps and looking forward to seeing your blog posts πŸ™‚ Dont bottle it up!

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