Am I CRAZY?!?

Well, yes… but that’s a tale for another blog post or few.

It’s 4:23 am as I type this, and I’ve been up since 6:30 am… yesterday. I went to bed last night at… 3? 3:15ish? Same deal with the day before. I’m running on pretty low sleep for myself, and I’ve noticed some slight mental fog, a tendency to laugh at my own jokes (more than normal) and even more forgetfulness than normal.

Why you ask? Well… I had to get up early on Tuesday for court (Finally getting that bs Tri-Met ticket dealt with) and then yesterday I got up early to go with Jason to the food bank. I told him it was good, there was so much stuff his cart was overflowing, and I ended up carrying his eggs with my stuff so they wouldn’t break. Speaking of which, he still has the third bag of mine….

Anywho, I have ANOTHER inspection today, the official one that is from the people who own the building/pay the grant that allows me to afford to stay here (low income housing). And even though I’m operating on so little sleep, I’m going to keep working on scrubbing the floors until I feel accomplished enough to go to sleep. I’d rather have less to worry about tom..err- today.

I also have trouble getting to sleep. Partly because I’m a solo parent and it’s nice to have some quiet time to yourself. You really need it after a while. Partly because I’m trapping myself in negative thought patterns, defeatist ones about wasted days. I read a blog or an article today/yesterday that said (summarized) not to beat yourself up about things when you make a mistake, but to just center and start again. I think it may have been talking about meditation, but its meaning can adapt.

I have been thinking about my mental health a lot lately, especially after an enlightening/nerve-wracking experience yesterday. I have a new trigger, and hadn’t even been aware of it creeping up in size. (No, sorry, I don’t feel like sharing)

As I was laying down just now with Aedric, I remembered an old saying that the state of your house is like the state of your mind, and then it clicked… I always have stuff on every surface. It’s not intentional, it’s just my response to anxiety. I get home and have to put “it” down, whatever it is. Then things collect. I have a couple of stacks of paper to go through, a big stack of journals, there’s no sitting room on my couch and my table is always covered. Even when I try to clean it off, somehow it happens again. Or it has.. I am hoping and manifesting that this time will be different.

Cleaning feels good. After I catch up on sleep from this, I’m going to go through those stacks. I may go through one of them tomorrow, it has all the art from that period when Aedric and I colored together. 🙂

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~ by araelysia on October 30, 2014.

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