Sleeplessness, sleep avoidance, call it what you will but I put it off. A lot. It has been hard for me to want to sleep since my best friend died two and a half years ago. I feel very alone and nostalgic at night, as if I am searching for something haunting me deep within. The yearning is strong at night to see, be, do, hear, feel, experience, exist. Sleep is to be avoided, that scary thing when consciousness fades and my subconscious mind wrests control of my body and heart.

It’s like I don’t want to sleep because it is lost time, lost life, lost experiences and thoughts and parts of life. Sleep comes with scary/intense dreams or just a third of the day gone. I feel like I haven’t lived enough, loved enough, gone OUT THERE enough. I’ve lived my whole world in my head because this world is a shitty, scary place full of people who are cruel to each other.

Okay, that’s not entirely true. That’s the world I used to live in. The friends in my life now are kind, warmhearted, extremely generous individuals who often share my hippie idealism, activist fervor and intent on making changes in our own lives and our communities. I just… don’t want to sleep 😦


~ by araelysia on May 8, 2015.

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