Christmas Day!

•December 25, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I am so not feeling it. BUT Aedric gets to go off to visit his grandparents with Jason and Kendra today, so I get some time to myself. I will try to post more later, hopefully my forearm will hurt less (I accidentally burned it 4 to 5 days ago on the oven rack :().

COCONUT OIL IS MY FRIEND. Other news: My income is getting cut from 432 to 228. I have two bills that combined are more than that. That’s ignoring my rent(thankfully cheap) and bus ticket :/ I am trying to come up with some rules for the Giveaway but I also have a Holiday Gift reading idea that will last through January. If someone buys a 25$ reading for a friend, they get one free.



•October 30, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Well, yes… but that’s a tale for another blog post or few.

It’s 4:23 am as I type this, and I’ve been up since 6:30 am… yesterday. I went to bed last night at… 3? 3:15ish? Same deal with the day before. I’m running on pretty low sleep for myself, and I’ve noticed some slight mental fog, a tendency to laugh at my own jokes (more than normal) and even more forgetfulness than normal.

Why you ask? Well… I had to get up early on Tuesday for court (Finally getting that bs Tri-Met ticket dealt with) and then yesterday I got up early to go with Jason to the food bank. I told him it was good, there was so much stuff his cart was overflowing, and I ended up carrying his eggs with my stuff so they wouldn’t break. Speaking of which, he still has the third bag of mine….

Anywho, I have ANOTHER inspection today, the official one that is from the people who own the building/pay the grant that allows me to afford to stay here (low income housing). And even though I’m operating on so little sleep, I’m going to keep working on scrubbing the floors until I feel accomplished enough to go to sleep. I’d rather have less to worry about tom..err- today.

I also have trouble getting to sleep. Partly because I’m a solo parent and it’s nice to have some quiet time to yourself. You really need it after a while. Partly because I’m trapping myself in negative thought patterns, defeatist ones about wasted days. I read a blog or an article today/yesterday that said (summarized) not to beat yourself up about things when you make a mistake, but to just center and start again. I think it may have been talking about meditation, but its meaning can adapt.

I have been thinking about my mental health a lot lately, especially after an enlightening/nerve-wracking experience yesterday. I have a new trigger, and hadn’t even been aware of it creeping up in size. (No, sorry, I don’t feel like sharing)

As I was laying down just now with Aedric, I remembered an old saying that the state of your house is like the state of your mind, and then it clicked… I always have stuff on every surface. It’s not intentional, it’s just my response to anxiety. I get home and have to put “it” down, whatever it is. Then things collect. I have a couple of stacks of paper to go through, a big stack of journals, there’s no sitting room on my couch and my table is always covered. Even when I try to clean it off, somehow it happens again. Or it has.. I am hoping and manifesting that this time will be different.

Cleaning feels good. After I catch up on sleep from this, I’m going to go through those stacks. I may go through one of them tomorrow, it has all the art from that period when Aedric and I colored together. 🙂


•October 28, 2014 • 1 Comment

It’s fall, so I’m sure it’s not just on my mind. I fight sleep because I am afraid of losing more time, afraid to admit today is gone and still I have not “gotten enough done”. I don’t even know what that means, just that I am filled with an eternal sense of losing myself in the chaos.

To think, my beautiful baby is now a massive toddler. Two years, such a change. He was just learning how to stand about now. Nyssa was freshly gone, and my dental pain was beginning to flare up.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s a point. In sharing with strangers, sharing my story, my feelings, my fears. I wonder what I hope to achieve… and then I remember a quote I wrote down on paper near my desk. “We do not write to be understood, we write in order to understand.” C Day-Lewis.

All my life I’ve wished people “understood me”. But we have to see past our own perceptions in order to see another clearly. And I think people DO understand one another.. when we try and open up.

I get scared opening up to people these days. I think I avoid my blog because I’m afraid of letting people get to know me. Or because I’m afraid I don’t know what to say.

Time gobbles up the world behind you, and you can’t go back and fix anything, or right the wrongs or DO things you should have done but put off, always for the imaginary realm of TOMORROW. When you add depression and anxiety to this, it is unnervingly easy to fall into old, useless patterns that do more harm than good.

Simultaneously, however, I’m very grateful for where I am. Well, not physically, but that’s another post. 😉 I enjoy meeting new people, making new friends, forging new connections and networking. I’m excited about Measure 91 and the changes in conversation across the board about cannabis.

Tsu works for YOU?

•October 22, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Okay, I may be a little bit addicted and excited about this new opportunity, but hey, it’s pretty cool. This new social networking site pays YOU for your content and activity! It’s invite only, so here is my link:

Feel free to add or follow me… or not! Entirely up to you. But I like it here. I guess I’m a #TsuNoob but I have to say I’m enjoying my experience there.

A recent study from Harvard stated that by 2017 approximately 70% of Facebook would be gone? I may be wrong about the year but I remember the 70 percent, and I’ve been noticing a lot of frustration with my friends. I heard about this site less than a week ago. Maybe you should check it out!

Edit: Here is a link about it!

I’m up to 9 cents already, and I haven’t been adding much original content, mostly just doing what I do on Facebook and trying to get out there. After a bit you get “Discover users” on the side and you can follow some people and then it starts to grow.

If you do choose to sign up, click on the “bank” to set up the money part, if you’re interested in that. And most of all, have fun! WE get to help CREATE the atmosphere we want. I’m all for sharing and facilitating networking and growth, but I’m doing my best to keep the “spam” down. Quality is key! I’m going to start putting some of my poetry up there maybe. 🙂

Horrid Feng Shui

•October 14, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Today’s writing prompt from “The Daily Post” inspired me.

“What’s messier right now — your bedroom or you computer’s desktop (or your favorite device’s home screen)? Tell us how and why it got to that state.”

My bedroom by far… I had an inspection, so I shoved all my laundry in the closet. Then my ex (my son’s father) needed a place to crash until he gets into his new apartment. He’s back in school for computer stuff again.

Anyway, I’ve been letting him stay in the bedroom because I have a desktop out in the living room and insomnia. So we split the beds (It used to be a bunk bed but I had a friend help me dismantle the top bed part and stacked the mattresses) and voila.

We were TOLD they’d be moving in Monday but my landlady (the new landlady for the other building too… some manager, seriously..) didn’t get the carpet cleaning scheduled on time, and didn’t bother telling them before the weekend, so all weekend long, all three of us were really excited for them to move in yesterday. (Me, Kendra (his new girlfriend) and Jason)

At any rate, now they move in Thursday. Supposedly. But I’m letting Kendra stay here because, well, it’s closer to work and it’s just easier at this point. But because of that it now has two people, the carseat, two dressers, a chair (that I have wanted to throw away for months), clothes, and let’s see… a dish set, a pot and pan set, two end tables, a lamp, and a coffee table as well as their luggage. At least ALL their stuff isn’t here, half is still with his parents.

I can’t wait to reclaim my space, and finally purge all of MY stuff too. I have been wanting to condense my stuff a lot lately, it bothers me.

•September 19, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I’m an out of the box thinker. In fact, I’ve recognized for a long time that I’m so far outside the box that I have a hard time even seeing the box anymore. It makes my heard hurt, but it’s true.

Anyway, I’ve been having a lot on my mind lately, from mental health to finances to personal needs to dreams, fears, goals, self created blockages, etc.

I’ve been thinking about ableism, and broken societal expectations so heavily dependent upon an arbitrary form of value where if one does NOT have a job, one is not worthy of… well, anything.

I’ve been thinking about how depressed I get on Facebook, seeing people post the most cruel, hateful, judgmental things about one another, cutting other human beings down for having a slightly different opinion, or simply because Fox news said to blame the poor people for what the rich have been doing in plain sight.

It’s 11:11 and I’ve been thinking of that too. Of upgrading. Hell, today’s 9/18, if you’re thinking numerologically that has to stand for something. Magical thinking. I know I do it. I’m okay with that. Why? Because… someone HAS to.

I can’t just go find a piece of land that’s been abandoned and start growing and building on it. I can’t just live, or grow food, or try to survive unless I lock myself into essentially a twisted prison? No thank you…

It’s not even just that it agitates the free will within me that burns and yearns to see beyond the horizon. It’s not even that my entire life I’ve just wanted to be able to stick some seeds in the soil and KNOW I will be there when those seeds turn into trees, or perennials that I can see grow bigger and more vibrant every year.

It’s that every job I have ever had, with the exception of one has given me panic attacks and anxiety far beyond what I would consider safe. It’s that I can’t even handle dealing with my case manager because she’s such a bitch to me and I have taught myself to have issues with conflict. It’s that to me it’s not about the money, I just want to be happy and survive, and yet it comes down to that. And it bugs me.

So how are you supposed to release baggage with money so you have baggage free money??? AHHHHHH

Another late night…

•September 12, 2014 • Leave a Comment

In my perceived reality of time, according to the clock on my desktop, it is 1:22 am. My toddler is asleep on the couch, the apartment is a wreck, and I’m tired.. but sleepless yet again. I need to write. Both in my journal, and here.. and creatively as well… I just have a hard time pushing myself past the fears and initial discomfort I feel getting back into the motions again.

I guess if I had to come up with a similarity, imagine you’re someone who has managed to get really badly burned, but survive. You can feel the ache and the burn and the heat rising from your flesh, and you can feel the crispy layer of what used to be your skin. You know that the healing will come, that the new skin will be healthy and unmarred, but the process of healing comes with its own itches and pains.

That’s kind of how I feel about my writing. Kind of like I’m burned out, but I need to be able to stretch and itch, and that will reawaken the burn and pain. I know it’s good for me. So why is it so hard to try? Why is it so hard to push yourself out of a rut? I mean this in more than one way in my own life. I’ve found that I’m my own worst enemy. Once the fears run out of control, I just am lost.

But in writing I’ve found healing so many other times, it seems impossible to me that now should be any different… Or that even if I can’t write the way I want to today, now, that it will come back to me.

When you feel like you’ve lost your gift, it’s really hard to remember that it’s still there. It shines through sometimes, so bright it hurts, and then is gone in a flash… But it’s a flash that slices straight through to your soul.

I refuse to stop believing in myself.
I hope you believe in yourself. ❤
Okay, I guess that's what I needed to say tonight! ❤ Now to go drink my frappuchino and play some Guild Wars 😀 (Pre-Searing anyone?)