Resistance Heals

On the evening of the 9th I had the amazing opportunity to be with about 2,000 people who shared my deep concerns for the violence, hate, and fear sprawling across this nation. I screamed my heart out into the sky for about 4 hours, all peacefully, surrounded by a crowd of strangers I grew to feel were friends.

Last night a few people who were not with the movement brought some baseball bats and spray paint and did an incredible amount of damage across the city. I have seen many anarchists who are disgusted with it. I actually learned quite a bit about Black Bloc already today, which has a very fascinating history. Fascinating History

The main protest did their best to rally their peaceful supporters away from the people who were there to do nothing but destroy, but there were over 4,000 people last night.

The night I went there were some groups of Drumpf supporters who were doing their best to instigate violence among the peaceful protesters. There were both religious zealots (Think Westboro Baptist types) and a group of young white men chanting “Burn the blacks!” That shocked and horrified me, and I tried to start up a chant of Black Lives Matter and they started laughing at me, which is when I started to become scared.

This is why I protest. One of my dearest friend has an awesome black son. I live beneath the queer umbrella as do many of my friends. People are terrified and rightfully so.. But at the same time there’s a lot of damage to be cleaned up.  And that’s where the amazing thing comes in.

The original PEACEFUL protesters who were NOT okay with what happened last night have started a fundraising campaign to at least try to pay back some of the damage. There was also a cleanup effort today and another is scheduled for tomorrow. People who weren’t even there were leaping at the chance to volunteer and show that our intentions are peaceful.

I have pretty strong social anxiety issues, but I felt safe and comforted with them. Empowered. Hearing people say we need to be hit by cars or they want to bring down military grade tear gas to hurt us is frustrating. Being called entitled, or crybabies, or anything else is infuriating with the situation unfolding. There are KKK rallies happening, they’re really excited to have him for president.

My heart is sad, but it’s good to know there are people out there who won’t stand for bigotry, for threats against their neighbors, friends, family. The only good thing I can focus on at the moment is that when you are dealing with an oppressor, there will always be those who resist.

We are fighting for a better world.

When you are apathetic in the face of oppression, you are supporting the oppressor.

Fuck Donald Trump

That is all.

Birthday Auction!!

My dear friend Kait Moon is having an auction for her birthday of her original artwork for funds to move home to the Pacific Northwest ^_^

I’m sorry I haven’t posted in quite some time, I will post later in the day too when I have more mouse batteries… ❤

Please please help my friend if you can, or share the link 🙂 The world needs more art.

❤

Raw Dreams

It’s hard to know so many people who yearn for a home, for land to grow food and space for their children to play, for that village dream so many of us share.

I yearn to understand and feel more competent dealing with the paperwork and interactive side of learning more about getting grants and funding for a small potentially urban family farm. I could make do with a small amount of space, my passions unfold and blossom with vertical gardening and companion planting… I feel such strong hope within me that it hurts to think about.

Oops, it’s been a while..

So long, in fact, I didn’t remember at first which site this was on.

Sorry, life with a 3 year old is pretty intense.

In other news, a dear friend of mine that I’ve known online for over a decade now moved here to Portland, Oregon in June… She’s been living in her car, in a tent, and in an RV that broke down since she got here. She could really use a lot of help. Her birthday is in the morning, I’m posting this tonight.

She has a GoFundMe that directly helps her with gas, food for the kids, hotels when able, etc. It’d be so fantastic if it could get more outreach and get enough money for an apartment or an RV. Please, please, PLEASE consider sharing for my friend. ❤ She means the world to me and I want to see good things happen for her. https://www.gofundme.com/wmzmnw

If you can’t afford to donate, I absolutely understand, but sharing with your friends who might also be compassionate enough to share on their own Facebook or whatever would be incredible. ❤ Thank you.

Gilmore Girls and an update

I managed to get season 5 and 6 of Gilmore Girls to watch, and have been working on my mistweaver monk in WoW. I added several notes to a secret set of drawers at the Ace Hotel near the Roxy and Powell’s… it was a lot of fun. I’m really excited about this year, and slightly overwhelmed by it as well. I’ve been meaning to blog more but keep forgetting.

Insomnia

Sleeplessness, sleep avoidance, call it what you will but I put it off. A lot. It has been hard for me to want to sleep since my best friend died two and a half years ago. I feel very alone and nostalgic at night, as if I am searching for something haunting me deep within. The yearning is strong at night to see, be, do, hear, feel, experience, exist. Sleep is to be avoided, that scary thing when consciousness fades and my subconscious mind wrests control of my body and heart.

It’s like I don’t want to sleep because it is lost time, lost life, lost experiences and thoughts and parts of life. Sleep comes with scary/intense dreams or just a third of the day gone. I feel like I haven’t lived enough, loved enough, gone OUT THERE enough. I’ve lived my whole world in my head because this world is a shitty, scary place full of people who are cruel to each other.

Okay, that’s not entirely true. That’s the world I used to live in. The friends in my life now are kind, warmhearted, extremely generous individuals who often share my hippie idealism, activist fervor and intent on making changes in our own lives and our communities. I just… don’t want to sleep 😦

Christmas Day!

I am so not feeling it. BUT Aedric gets to go off to visit his grandparents with Jason and Kendra today, so I get some time to myself. I will try to post more later, hopefully my forearm will hurt less (I accidentally burned it 4 to 5 days ago on the oven rack :().

COCONUT OIL IS MY FRIEND. Other news: My income is getting cut from 432 to 228. I have two bills that combined are more than that. That’s ignoring my rent(thankfully cheap) and bus ticket I am trying to come up with some rules for the Giveaway but I also have a Holiday Gift reading idea that will last through January. If someone buys a 25$ reading for a friend, they get one free.

Am I CRAZY?!?

Well, yes… but that’s a tale for another blog post or few.

It’s 4:23 am as I type this, and I’ve been up since 6:30 am… yesterday. I went to bed last night at… 3? 3:15ish? Same deal with the day before. I’m running on pretty low sleep for myself, and I’ve noticed some slight mental fog, a tendency to laugh at my own jokes (more than normal) and even more forgetfulness than normal.

Why you ask? Well… I had to get up early on Tuesday for court (Finally getting that bs Tri-Met ticket dealt with) and then yesterday I got up early to go with Jason to the food bank. I told him it was good, there was so much stuff his cart was overflowing, and I ended up carrying his eggs with my stuff so they wouldn’t break. Speaking of which, he still has the third bag of mine….

Anywho, I have ANOTHER inspection today, the official one that is from the people who own the building/pay the grant that allows me to afford to stay here (low income housing). And even though I’m operating on so little sleep, I’m going to keep working on scrubbing the floors until I feel accomplished enough to go to sleep. I’d rather have less to worry about tom..err- today.

I also have trouble getting to sleep. Partly because I’m a solo parent and it’s nice to have some quiet time to yourself. You really need it after a while. Partly because I’m trapping myself in negative thought patterns, defeatist ones about wasted days. I read a blog or an article today/yesterday that said (summarized) not to beat yourself up about things when you make a mistake, but to just center and start again. I think it may have been talking about meditation, but its meaning can adapt.

I have been thinking about my mental health a lot lately, especially after an enlightening/nerve-wracking experience yesterday. I have a new trigger, and hadn’t even been aware of it creeping up in size. (No, sorry, I don’t feel like sharing)

As I was laying down just now with Aedric, I remembered an old saying that the state of your house is like the state of your mind, and then it clicked… I always have stuff on every surface. It’s not intentional, it’s just my response to anxiety. I get home and have to put “it” down, whatever it is. Then things collect. I have a couple of stacks of paper to go through, a big stack of journals, there’s no sitting room on my couch and my table is always covered. Even when I try to clean it off, somehow it happens again. Or it has.. I am hoping and manifesting that this time will be different.

Cleaning feels good. After I catch up on sleep from this, I’m going to go through those stacks. I may go through one of them tomorrow, it has all the art from that period when Aedric and I colored together. 🙂

Time

It’s fall, so I’m sure it’s not just on my mind. I fight sleep because I am afraid of losing more time, afraid to admit today is gone and still I have not “gotten enough done”. I don’t even know what that means, just that I am filled with an eternal sense of losing myself in the chaos.

To think, my beautiful baby is now a massive toddler. Two years, such a change. He was just learning how to stand about now. Nyssa was freshly gone, and my dental pain was beginning to flare up.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s a point. In sharing with strangers, sharing my story, my feelings, my fears. I wonder what I hope to achieve… and then I remember a quote I wrote down on paper near my desk. “We do not write to be understood, we write in order to understand.” C Day-Lewis.

All my life I’ve wished people “understood me”. But we have to see past our own perceptions in order to see another clearly. And I think people DO understand one another.. when we try and open up.

I get scared opening up to people these days. I think I avoid my blog because I’m afraid of letting people get to know me. Or because I’m afraid I don’t know what to say.

Time gobbles up the world behind you, and you can’t go back and fix anything, or right the wrongs or DO things you should have done but put off, always for the imaginary realm of TOMORROW. When you add depression and anxiety to this, it is unnervingly easy to fall into old, useless patterns that do more harm than good.

Simultaneously, however, I’m very grateful for where I am. Well, not physically, but that’s another post. 😉 I enjoy meeting new people, making new friends, forging new connections and networking. I’m excited about Measure 91 and the changes in conversation across the board about cannabis.